


asking him to love her

by ivywalker



Series: the world turned upside down [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bookstore AU, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Notting Hill AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-14 10:36:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13005978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivywalker/pseuds/ivywalker
Summary: She smiled politely before turning away and suddenly Cassian knew who she was. Because he’d seen that smile before, in movie theatres, on magazines, on the overpriced TV in his shitty apartment.It was the Kathy Williams smile.Not that that was her name, it was one of her characters. One of many.Because the woman was Jyn Erso. And she was probably one of the most famous actresses in Hollywood right now.And she was in his bookshop.And he’d just called her ma’am.Ay, dios mío.A Notting Hill au for the Rebel Captain RomCom challenge.p.s. check outthis awesome gifsetfrom the lovely tumblr usercassianserso





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is something that I didn't think I would actually finish...but here it is! This is actually my first time writing RebelCaptain, or for the SW universe in general, so hopefully nothing is too out of character.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!

**one.**

_“And it’s another beautiful day here in London, as the city prepares for its visit from Hollywood. Hit and Run, Jyn Erso’s latest action film, will be premiering at the Odeon in Leicester Square this weekend. It’s set to make almost 200 million dollars on its opening weekend when it’s released in America at the end of the month. But the question on everyone’s mind is when Miss Erso is going to finally ditch the action scene for more dramatic fair. Our entertainment expert will be joining us in a bit to discuss—“_

Cassian switched off the radio, plunging the kitchen into silence. It was early enough that the sun hadn’t quite risen yet, and so the room was covered in a faint blue, turning everything opaque and faded.

With the sound of the radio announcer gone the only noise in the room was the coffee maker.

Cassian had lived in Notting Hill for five years now, and he still hadn’t swapped his coffee fix for a tea cup—something that his roommate Kay saw as his personal duty to change. But tea reminded him too much of home, of lazy afternoons, of his mother’s warm smile.

And coffee helped him focus when he was blinking back exhaustion from another night without sleep. (Something else Kay constantly nagged him about.)

The coffee maker stuttered to a halt and he busied himself with pouring it and dumping the grounds. Simple movements, simple steps. All part of the daily routine. And much as Cassian may not admit it, he liked the routine. The idea that at least the majority of his day could be planned and accounted for. That way there was less of a chance of something surprising him.

Or of something going wrong.

A few minutes later he was moving out the door, a coffee balanced in one hand and another in the crook of his arm. It was fairly cool out, which was typical for this time of year. Cassian hunched his shoulders a bit and shrugged past the people setting up along the street, preparing for the daily market. Living so close to Portobello Road was both a good and a bad thing. Bad because it meant that it was almost always crowded no matter where he went, with no shortage of tourists trying to scan the area for the best deals. But it was also nice, as he didn’t have to go too far for the basic necessities.

He was moving out of the way for a woman with a stroller when he felt someone press a bag into his pocket. Cassian didn’t have to look up to know it was Shara.

“One of these days I’m going to stop feeding you.”

He glanced up to see her a few feet from him, moving to lean against her stand. The faded apron she wore was already covered in flour, and there was a smudge of batter on her cheek.

“Always nice to know that I’m not the only one up so early.” He said, mustering  a smile. “Thank you. You know you don’t have to keep doing this.”

“Since you never let me pay you back for watching Poe, consider this an attempt to even things out.” Shara straightened up and met his eyes, and Cassian pretended not to notice the sudden sadness there. “And I still owe you for…before.”

He refused to remember it, so he concentrated instead on her feet. “We’ve been over this. If you keep bringing it up I’m going to stop talking to you.” He kept some teasing in his voice, so that she knew he was mostly kidding. As he spoke he suddenly caught the smell of burning food. “Not to change the subject but you may want to go save Kes from whatever he set fire to back there.”

She let out an exasperated sigh and barely managed a quick “see you later” before disappearing behind her stall, no doubt to scold Kes for whatever he burnt this time.

Shara’s husband was a great man but he really needed to stay away from the stove.

Five minutes later Cassian was walking up to his store. It would be assumed that because his bookshop was right in the middle of the tourist craziness, that it would be very busy. Popular, even.

But actually that was not the case.

 _Rogue One_ _Books_ sat on the corner of a fairly busy street, which housed other, more luxurious bookstores. Cassian’s place had more a ‘quaint’ feel, and it didn’t feature the collections that everyone was always looking for. His bookstore only featured banned books, hence the name. When he’d moved to London he’d been looking for something quiet to do with his time, and when he’d seen the place up for sale it just seemed to fit.

The shop was a faded blue, with two large windows in the front, always featuring a display that Bodhi meticulously put together each morning. Cassian always wished that more people passed by, if for no other reason than for the other man’s work to not have been wasted.

He unlocked the door and walked inside, the bell ringing loudly in the still silence of the building. Cassian set down both coffees at the cash counter and shrugged off his coat , being careful not to knock over a stack of books as he did.

When he’d asked Bodhi about it the man had assured him that everything had its proper order—and he was right, more or less. The result though was stacks everywhere, both on top of the shelves and on the floor, in boxes, on tables (and under them). But if anyone came looking for one in particular Bodhi knew exactly where to find it. So Cassian left him to his work, and kept his cursing to a minimum when he knocked his toe for the fiftieth time.

The stillness of the empty store was making him fidget. It was forty minutes until they opened, which meant that Bodhi would be there in about ten. Cassian started unpacking a box of new copies of _The Handmaid’s Tale_ , telling himself it was to be productive and not because his hands had begun shaking when he’d just been standing there.

But then Bodhi would come in and they would talk. And maybe they’d get some customers, maybe not. Either way the day would pass by uneventfully. Quietly.

Quiet, and routine. Two very important aspects of Cassian’s life, ones he’d worked very hard to maintain.

And ones that came crashing down around him the second she walked in.

\---

_Ladies and gentlemen, we have started our descent in preparation for landing, please ensure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you, or in the overhead bins. Please turn off all electronic devices…_

Jyn slipped off her headphones, resting them around her neck as she watched the plane start to land. The sight of the clouds and the beautiful scenery were a welcome distraction from the anxious knot in the pit of her stomach that had started the second she’d stepped onto the plane.

England. Though they would only be visiting London, the very sight of her home country was enough to make her want to revisit the plane’s bathroom.

But that was a hard no. She may be in first class but the last thing she wanted was a video of her kneeling in front of a toilet plastered everywhere tomorrow.

“If you stare at that glass any harder it’s going to crack.”

Jyn wished she could feign hearing loss, but that act had hadn’t worked in years. Jyn turned her head to give her manager, Leia, a look. Which of course didn’t faze the other woman in the slightest.

“It’s going to be fine, okay? It’s a quick trip, just to do a bit of press for the movie.”

Jyn opened her mouth to say something but Leia beat her to it.

“And I know it isn’t just any press tour since it’s in London but no one in the media has put the dots together. And I’m going to keep it that way.”

Another move to speak, another interruption.

“Contractually you have to be here, but only for the week. After that you can leave, even if the other cast members stay.”

This time she kept quiet, which became slightly harder when Leia gave her a knowing smile. “Any more questions? Or did I get them all?”

“You don’t need to be a smartass you know.”

“Oh please. That was practically in the job description.” Leia’s words were flippant but her eyes were kind as she settled back into her seat. She’d only been Jyn’s manager for 3 years, but it was at the point where she wondered how she’d ever done this job without her.

Of course she kept that observation to herself.

But Leia knew that London was hard for Jyn, that she hadn’t been back since…well. It had been a while. Which was why she only had to be here a week, and why she was staying at a hotel under another false name. All of which would mean absolutely nothing if a reporter asked the right questions, or if someone did a little digging.

But it was only a week. Jyn could keep her head down for that long.

And then she would say goodbye to England for good.

Being a celebrity meat that baggage check wasn’t really a thing, so Jyn and Leia left the airport before most of the other passengers had even made it through customs.

The rest of the cast of _Hit and Run_ were staying at one of the most expensive hotels in London, however Leia and Jyn were not. At Jyn’s request, Leia had booked them at a slightly more modest one closer to Notting Hill. Leia hadn’t asked why and Jyn hadn’t offered an explanation.

Because _I stayed at that hotel with my parents_ crossed a line that Jyn wasn’t ready for. Even with Leia.

The concierge greeted them with the smile that Jyn had grown used to—the _I know you’re a celebrity which means you have a lot of money so I’ll treat you like royalty and hopefully you’ll give me a nice big tip_ smile.

When she got up to her room Jyn took her time unpacking. Laying each item out before storing it away carefully. Unfolding and re-folding her clothes. Laying out her toiletries in the bathroom. Hanging up her fancy dresses and suits in the closet.

But unpacking only took so long, and too soon everything was put away, including her suitcase. The following few moments of quiet were enough to start her anxiety again, and so she grabbed a change of clothes and a book and left the room.

Leia walked into the hotel gym an hour and a half later to find her on the treadmill, book halfway finished.

“You’re too predictable for your own good, you know that?”

Jyn’s eye roll was the only indication that she had heard her manager’s words, keeping her pace on the treadmill and her eyes on her book. Leia’s figure was still in her peripheral vision though, so she could see her making a face.

“So is this how you’re going to spend the next 7 days? Hiding out in a hotel, re-reading the same novel over and over?”

“What I do in my downtime is my business.”

“That may be true but ensuring you stay sane is _my_ business. And right now I don’t think we’re off to such a good start.” Leia came around to the side of the machine, making it harder for Jyn to look away.

“I’m on a treadmill. And I’m reading. How is that not healthy?”

“You’re going to be stuck in conference rooms for the next few days, answering question after question and talking to every news outlet in London.”

“I’m waiting for the point.”

“The _point_ is that you’re going to go stir crazy very quickly if you don’t get some air while you can.”

 _“That’s_ why you’re pestering me? Because you think I need fresh air? When did you become the grandma ordering the kids outside?”

Leia had no verbal response to that, instead she hit the button on Jyn’s machine to increase the speed. After a few seconds of struggling Jyn lifted both feet off the runner, breathing hard.

“Not fair.”

“We don’t play fair. That much was obvious my first day on the job.”

“So let me get this straight, you’ll get off my case if I take a walk outside?”

“Not entirely, but it will help.”

Leia was just as stubborn as she was (which was a big part of the reason she was hired in the first place).

Besides, Jyn knew her way around. She could avoid the areas she didn’t want to see, stick to the crowds so she would blend in. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

“Fine.”

~~

Jyn showered and threw on leggings and a long sweater. Sunglasses and a scarf were added to the mix, as she knew that Leia would give her a hard time if she didn’t at least _try_ to be discreet.

Slipping into the crowd was easy once she left the hotel. It was almost lunch time, which meant even the business people were out. The chill of the morning had faded to a warm breeze, and it _was_ a nice change after being inside for so long.

It was almost scary how well she knew the area, even after being away. Perhaps more shocking was how little everything had changed. A few shops here and there were different, and some colors had faded more than others.  But it was still the same London.

Well, almost.

A few shops were interesting enough for her to go in, but none held her interest for very long. And some just had too many people. As much as crowds were good outside, when it was cramped inside she felt suffocated, trapped. In those instances it was best to just slip away, and move along.

Soon enough she was in Notting Hill, eyes moving over the stalls and the merchants. They barely gave her a second look, too focused on the items they were selling. To them, she was just another passerby. There was something about being anonymous in a crowd that Jyn had missed. The places where she could just disappear were becoming fewer and fewer, the more movies she made.

All the more reason to appreciate it while she still could.

She was adjusting her scarf when she saw the sign for _Rogue One Books_. It was a smaller place than the other shops in the area, but it had a certain charm. And it didn’t look busy. So she crossed the street and opened the door, bell ringing as she entered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on tumblr, I'm at astrayember.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit with this only because I didn't know how much to include from the movie...but I compromised and kept some stuff in, while adding new things too.
> 
> Guess that's how these AUs usually work.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> p.s. Bodhi Rook is everything. That is all.

**two.**

Bodhi had gone to get more coffee, so Cassian was at the front desk. He glanced up as the bell rang. “Good afternoon.” He said automatically, before he really saw who the customer was.

It was a young woman, and she nodded in his direction before wandering over to the shelves. If it had been anyone else, he would have just gone back to his work, the same way he had when the man had walked in a few minutes earlier.

But something about her was causing his eyes to wander back to where she stood. She already had a book in her hands, and as she was reaching up for another when her sunglasses slipped off and fell to the floor.

It was then that it hit him. He knew her.

Which was strange because he didn’t really know anyone.

She bent down to grab her glasses, glancing around as she did. Cassian managed to turn away just before she saw him looking. He kept his attention focused on his paperwork for a good few minutes, before he chanced another glance at her.

She was holding a third book now, with the others tucked under her arm. Her head was tilted upwards as she read the spines, clearly looking for something.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" More automatic words, out before he could stop them. At his question she shifted slightly, her eyes finally meeting his. "No, thank you."

She smiled politely before turning away and suddenly Cassian knew who she was. Because he’d seen that smile before, in movie theatres, on magazines, on the overpriced TV in his shitty apartment.

It was the Kathy Williams smile.

Not that that was her name, it was one of her characters. One of many.

Because the woman was Jyn Erso. And she was probably one of the most famous actresses in Hollywood right now.

And she was in his bookshop.

And he’d just called her _ma’am_.

_Ay, dios mío._

Luckily she couldn't read his thoughts or she probably would have been a little frightened at the amount that were currently flying through his head. Celebrities weren’t a frequent sight in Notting Hill, and certainly not in his pathetic little shop. He had no idea what the protocol was for this. If there even was a protocol.

“Hey, stop!”

Cassian snapped out of his thoughts at the words, shouted loudly by Jyn. For a confused second he thought she was talking to him, but when he turned she wasn’t looking at him at all. She was looking—no, _glaring_ —at the other man, the one who’d been in the back. Who seemed to have quite a bulky package under his coat.

“Piss off lady, I ain’t got nothing.” He spat out.

“You need to pay for that.” Jyn had set her books down and was now blocking the exit. A part of Cassian’s brain was telling him that he should be the one standing there, but honestly he couldn’t imagine he would look remotely as intimidating.

The man was somewhat hunched over, trying to keep whatever books he’d taken in place under his coat. “What do you care bitch, you don’t work here.”

Cassian finally seemed to find his voice.

“Hey, watch your mouth.”

But his words were lost as the man tried to move, to push past Jyn to the door. Instead she kicked his legs out from under him, sending him sprawling on the floor, along with the books. Thank god Jyn’s attention was on the thief and not Cassian, as his jaw had fallen open.

“Now,” Jyn said as she crouched down, a smile on her lips that was all malice, “I suggest you get out of here before the bobbies show up. Understand?”

The man threw a frightened look at Cassian before scrambling to his feet and running out the door.

Jyn watched him go, eyes following him out of the shop and down the street. “Piece of work, that one. Hope this doesn’t happen too frequently.” She shifted to face him and he (thankfully) managed to compose his expression.

“No, not too often. Not many people looking to rip off a bookshop. Not one this size, anyway”. He moved out from behind the desk, stubbing his foot on a pile of books as he did. Sucking in the curse word that popped into his head, he bent down to pick up the ones that the man had tried to steal. When Jyn approached he waved her away. “No, let me. Least I can do after all that.”

“Think I might’ve overstepped my boundaries.”

She sounded almost _shy_. Which he couldn’t fully comprehend after what just happened.

Cassian straightened up, ignoring the throbbing in his foot. “Not at all. I don’t think he’ll be coming back anytime soon, thanks to you.”

“What did he try to take?” her own books were back in her arms, and she followed him over to his desk.

“A few first editions. Probably thought he could sell them for twice their worth.”

“Well hopefully he learned his lesson.”

“Oh I think he did.”

She smiled at him but this time it was different than earlier. This wasn’t the smile he’d seen on dozens of screens and newspapers. It lit up her eyes, and took some of the stress away from her face, making her seem younger. This was more genuine, more relaxed. More _her_.

But it was gone as soon as it had appeared.

“Look…it would be great if you didn’t…mention this to anyone.”

Ah. She knew that he had recognized her then, that he knew who she was. Until that point it hadn’t even crossed his mind to tell anyone; if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes he wouldn’t have believed it, so who else would?

“Of course.” He said as earnestly as he could. “In all honesty I don’t really have anyone to tell anyway.” Her eyes swept over him (sizing him up, he imagined), and he must have passed the test because she gave a curt nod before placing her books on the desk.

He hadn’t given them a good look when he’d been talking with her, but now that they were in front of him he realized they were all different copies of the same novel. _Alice in Wonderland._

He could feel her watching him and knew she expected him to make some kind of comment. So instead of complying he started entering the information into the computer.

“We have other copies of this one, just so you know. There’s more in the back.”

There was a pause while he typed, but he didn’t want to chance a look at her. “Think I’ll just stick with these for now.” She said finally. “But I may come back and take you up on that.”

Cassian ignored how much he liked the idea of her coming back. “Well, they’ll be here.”

She rummaged through her bag and came up with a wallet, but he shook his head before she could take out her card.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s on me.” He could see her eyes hardening and so he quickly added “Because of what you did, earlier. You saved me more money than these cost, so it’s the least I can do.” There had probably been many people who had offered her free stuff, whether it be dinner, a hotel, or something more extravagant. Just because she was famous. And for some reason he didn’t want her to think of him like that.

Which was ridiculous because she would walk out that door in a few seconds and he would probably never see her again. And she’d forget all about him.

But her expression had warmed slightly “It was nothing. I took self-defense classes a few months ago for a movie, so it was nice to actually be able to use it in real life.”

“Well it was the most excitement this shop has seen since…well, last March.” When she raised an eyebrow he continued, “An older gentleman came in and had a heart attack. He was found clutching a copy of _Ecstasy and Me_.”

Jyn snorted and then quickly covered her mouth. Clearing her throat, she took the bag he handed her. “On that note…it was nice meeting you Mr….”

“Andor. Cassian Andor.”

“Nice to meet you Mr. Andor.”

“Call me Cassian.”

Jyn looked back at him from the door, her face blank again. But there was playfulness in her eyes.

“I’ll see you around. Cassian.”

He was trying so hard not to think about how his name sounded different when she said it, that he didn’t see Bodhi coming around with the coffee. And Bodhi didn’t see Jyn. So when she turned to leave he knocked right into her, spilling the coffee down her shirt.

Well, so much for her not remembering this.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry…miss, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you…” Bodhi was frantically trying to wipe up the spill but it was turning the stain larger by the second.

“It’s okay, it was my fault.” Jyn was saying as Cassian came over.

“Come on, let’s go inside." he said, one hand on Bodhi's shoulder. "We should have some clothing for you to change into.”

They both followed him back inside, Bodhi still apologizing and Jyn telling him not to worry.

“Was it hot? It shouldn’t have been hot their coffee is usually lukewarm at best—“. Bodhi knocked over a set of books as he spoke, and Jyn put a hand on his arm.

“It wasn’t hot, honestly. It’s nothing a bit of stain remover won’t fix. Okay?”

Bodhi nodded, still looking concerned but a bit less so now.

“I’m Jyn, by the way.” She said, offering him her hand.

Bodhi took it, smiling nervously. “I’m Bodhi. Bodhi Rook.”

“To tell you the truth Bodhi, I always hated this sweater.”

He laughed at that, and Cassian did too. Jyn glanced over at him and their eyes met. He nodded a thank you, and she nodded back. “I’ll get you those dry clothes. We should have a sweater or something.” He said, only to have Bodhi come up behind him.

“No, I’ll get them.” Was all the other man said before disappearing behind the curtain to the back room.

Cassian was left alone with Jyn, again.

“Not to sound like a broken record…” she started to say.

“I won’t tell anyone.” He said, beating her to it. “Neither will Bodhi. He’s not the type to gossip or anything.”

“A lot of papers would pay for a shot of this.” She gestured to the stain. “And they’d pay good money.”

“Good for them.”

He sat on the edge of his desk, moving a set of books to the other side as he did. He was trying to avoid the look that Jyn was giving him.

“Seriously? That isn’t at all tempting?” Her guard was back up, all playfulness forgotten. And he couldn’t blame her. He just wondered how many similar situations she’d been in where someone had double crossed her.

“No, it’s not. I’m not interested in money for something like that.” he said, a slight edge to his words. He couldn't explain why, but it made him slightly umcomfortable, to think of someone taking advantage of her.

Her eyes didn’t move from his face, expression calculating. She was sizing him up again, but this time he felt that there was more at stake.

The silence was interrupted by Bodhi coming back, a pile of clothes in his hands. “This was all we had.” He said, before setting the items down on the desk. Cassian stood up and moved away as Jyn came forward.

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t say that yet, we don’t really have anything particularly decent.” Bodhi warned.

Jyn poked through the clothes before deciding on a grey sweater. Pulling it on over her head, she straightened it out and glanced up at them. “Well? Inconspicuous enough for the walk back?”

“Definitely. It looks good.” Bodhi said, a little too enthusiastic. But Jyn smiled at his words and Cassian was positive that Bodhi actually blushed.

“I can bring it back.” She offered, though Cassian and Bodhi both shook their heads.

“Don’t worry about it. Keep it, or throw it out. We won’t miss it.” Cassian said.

Jyn thanked them again, before grabbing her bag of books and slipping out the door.

And then she was gone.

The rest of the afternoon was spent re-stacking the books that had been knocked over, chatting to the few customers who came in, and breaking it to a mortified Bodhi that yes, that was Jyn _Erso_.

Cassian then made him tea, and tried not to think about whether or not she would come back.

He hoped she came back.

\---

“You _attacked_ someone?!”

Jyn was grateful for the makeup artist applying her eyeliner so that she couldn’t see Leia’s face. There was a good chance she would have laughed, and that would have really gotten her in trouble.

Well. _More_ trouble.

“What part of fighting some guy says _low profile_ to you? Didn’t we agree that you would keep your head down?”

“It’s not like I went looking for it. I was in a _bookstore_.” She was told to open her eyes again and found Leia staring at her, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. The dressing room was small enough that there was only a few feet separating them. The other members of Jyn’s team were milling about, helping her get ready for the interviews, but the way Leia was talking it might as well have been only the two of them in the room. “Besides, I only told you as a precaution. It’s not going to get out.” Hands started running through her hair and she sat as still as she could, wincing slightly when they pulled too tight.

“Thought you said the owner saw everything. And that he recognized you.”

“He did, but he swore not to talk. And I believed him.” The last part was clearly a surprise to Leia. And it had surprised Jyn as well. But Cassian’s words had been earnest enough, and nothing about him had been a red flag.

In fact ever since she’d left the store she found herself thinking about it. About him.

“He have a name?”

“Something Andor.” Jyn said flippantly. Best to pretend she didn’t care. Because she shouldn’t, but she did, at least a little. And she needed to figure out why before trying to explain it to anyone else.

She hadn’t mentioned Bodhi or the coffee incident at all, not wanting to have Leia completely lose it on her.

Leia pursed her lips, probably trying to decide if she wanted to keep pushing. After a few moments she let out a sigh. “Fine, I’ll let it go. But if we hear anything—“

“We won’t. I promise.”

There was more hair pulling and then Jyn was standing up, letting them put on the finishing touches. The first of many interviews was about to start with the media, which meant at least a few hours of perfect posture, big smiles, and practiced laughs for the cameras. During these sessions, she wasn’t just Jyn; reader, introvert, orphan. She was Jyn Erso; famous actress and Hollywood sweetheart. It was yet another role to play, but this one didn’t have a deadline. There was no last scene, no moment when she shed the skin and never had to put it on again. This was her role for life.

A hand on her shoulder told her it was time to go. Jyn followed her team out the door, not looking at herself in the mirrors as she passed by.


	3. Chapter 3

**three.**

“Why are you so quiet?”

Cassian stuffed the last bit of toast in his mouth to avoid answering and simply gave Kay a shrug. Of course his roommate didn’t take the hint, and instead followed Cassian out of the kitchen and into the hallway.

“Something’s distracting you. Did something happen yesterday?”

Another shrug.

“Really? The silent treatment? What are we, children?” When Cassian tried to move past him Kay blocked his way. Cassian sighed, giving him a look that clearly said ‘ _And_ I’m _the one who’s childish?_ ’

His friend could be so damn stubborn. Kay was a good person (most of the time), and a brilliant man, but he dealt with facts. Numbers and statistics that could be added up and compared. He was not the person you had a conversation with when all you had to go on was emotion.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Kay. I’m fine.”

His roommate scoffed. “I could list off all the reasons you are _not_ fine, but I don’t think it would make any difference.”

“Best thing you’ve said all morning.”

“So you have been listening. You’ve just elected to ignore me.”

“That would be correct.”

Kay shook his head but moved so that Cassian could get past him to the door.

“Keep your secrets then, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Kay said, leaning against the wall as Cassian got ready to leave. “Whatever is it that’s got you distracted can’t be anything good.”

Cassian glanced up from putting on his shoes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you have a penchant for trouble.”

Pretending not to hear that, Cassian straightened up and grabbed his jacket from the coat rack.

“I suppose whatever happened yesterday has nothing to do with you going into work early?”

Thank god Cassian wasn’t the sort of person to blush, otherwise that comment alone would have turned him red. He walked out the door with only a ‘see you later’ in reply, and was almost positive he heard Kay sigh loudly as he shut the door behind him.

It was a longshot that she would come back. More than that, even. If he were to think like Kay, he would say the odds were 1 in a million. Or more.

Sure, she’d said that she would, but that didn’t mean anything. And it was before she’d had coffee spilled all over it her. And truthfully, he didn’t expect her to. From what he’d heard on the news, her schedule was packed with interviews and press conferences until the film premier this weekend. And even if she did have time, she surely had better things to do. More glamorous people to be with who were far more interesting.

Which was why he was shocked to see find her standing in front of his shop at six in the morning.

Shocked, but also a little happier than he probably should have been.

God, get a grip, Andor.

She must’ve heard him walking up because she turned around, sporting the same sunglasses as yesterday but with a different scarf this time. And she had a tray of coffees.

“Good morning.” Her smile wasn’t quite the unguarded one from yesterday, but it wasn’t strictly polite either.

If somewhere in the middle was where they were going to start, he was okay with it.

“Good morning.” He wished for something semi-interesting to say but she’d caught him off guard. Last night he’d tried very hard not to think about her, about what had happened. And even when thoughts of her had slipped through, he'd told himself not to expect to see her again.

So the fact that she was here, less than 24 hours later, was surreal.

“Anyone try to ransack the place since I left?” Her voice was light and teasing and it calmed him somewhat. Especially since there was a bit of nervous energy around her too, though she was trying to hide it. It occured to him then that maybe she was just as out of her depth as he was.

It was a comforting thought.

“Not yet, but the day is young.” He gestureed towards the shop. “Been waiting here long?”

Jyn shrugs. “Not really. I was out walking and thought I’d come by.”

Out walking? This early? Cassian frowned but kept quiet. Considering his own history of walking the streets in the middle of the night, he was hardly one to judge. And it was just probably jet lag hitting her.

“Plus, I owed you coffee.” She said, holding up the tray.

“Oh I don’t know about that, but thank you. Bodhi should be in shortly.” He said, and moved past her to unlock the door. She came up behind him as he did, not close enough to touch, but enough for him to breathe her in.

“So how long have you lived in London?” she asked, and he tried to focus on her words and not how close she was.

“About 5 years. But I’ve only had the shop for four.” They walked into the store and she set the tray down on the desk, handing him his coffee, as if this was part of a routine.

“I didn’t know what you took in yours so I brought some cream and sugar.” She nodded at the small bag set on top of the tray.

“Just black actually, so this is perfect. Thank you, again.”

They sat in quiet for a bit, and it was nice. Just being around her was nice.

“Why banned books?”

Cassian looked up from his coffee, momentarily lost. “Sorry?”

“The bookstore. Why did you decide to only sell banned ones?” Her arms were crossed across her chest and she held her coffee in one hand while the other rested against her arm.

Cassian ran a hand over the back of his neck, thinking. That wasn’t a question he got too often. “I guess it just seemed like something unique. Especially in a city like this where there’s no shortage of bookstores.”

“Should’ve been a travel bookstore. I hear there’s a lot of money in that.”

“No thanks.”

She raised an eyebrow, but all he did was clear his throat. “I guess I figured that the banned ones needed the most attention.”

“Got a soft spot for rogues?”

His eye flickered back to hers. “Seems that way.”

She looked away, but he thought he saw a smile tugging at her lips.

“Look, I should be going, but I just wanted to uh…let you know that I was staying at the Reem Hotel, here in London. Just…just in case you wanted to uh...get a hold of me.”

He had no idea how to respond to that, so he nodded.

“Also, I don’t use my actual name for the booking, for security reasons, so use—“

The bell cut off her words as Bodhi walked in, carrying a box.

“Cass, the new shipment came in. I’ll just put it with the others for now and then we can--” he glanced upwards and saw Jyn.

“Hey Bodhi.”

“Jyn. Hi.” His eyes moved from Jyn to Cassian before settling on Jyn. “Doing okay?”

“I’m good, thanks. Need some help with that?”

Bodhi seemed to remember he was carrying something heavy and started walking again. “No, I got it. Thanks though!” he shouted the last words over his shoulder before moving out of sight.

“I think that’s my cue.” Jyn said softly.

“Yeah okay.”

She headed towards the door before hesitating and turning back. “Call me, yeah?” Her expression was tense, as if she wasn't sure how he would react to the question. As if he would reject her.

Not likely.

"Yes, of course." The words came out a bit too fast, but all she did was smile before heading out the door, once again leaving him standing there, staring after her.

\---

She’d wanted to see him again. That was Jyn’s first thought when she’d woken that morning. It had been too early to get up, but she’d known that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. So she’d showered quickly, thrown on some clothes and headed out.

And tried not to think too much about Cassian.

But she couldn’t help it. If she were being honest, he was the first person she’d met in a while who she actually enjoyed being around. And for now at least, he didn’t appear to want anything from her.

She’d realized shortly after walking into his shop for the first time that he had known who she was. Either he watched a lot of TV or her ‘disguise’ was shit (probably the latter), but the point was that he knew.

The idea of having to take yet another selfie with someone was less than appealing, but she knew the drill. And the second anyone realized she was famous, that was all they wanted. A photo, a signature. Anything to prove that they’d actually met her.

But the question she’d been dreading never came. And when he’d given her the books for free that had thrown up a wall—thinking that he had some kind of ulterior motive. But she’d looked into his eyes and had seen nothing but the truth.

She’d almost forgotten what that looked like.

So somehow she’d ended up waiting in front of his store with coffee, like the typical leading lady in those romantic comedies her agent wanted her to do so badly.

And while she could never bring herself to even be interested in those types of movies, she couldn’t ignore the warm feeling that spread through her chest when Cassian showed up and saw her standing there, and smiled.

Like he was genuinely happy to see her.

If she’d had any sense she would have turned around then and there and never gone back.

But then, Jyn had never thought of herself as being particularly sane.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the Reem Hotel is a real one in London, but it does not have a gym. Figured I could take some creative licensing on that one.

**four.**

_Pick up the phone._

_Pick up the phone, Cassian._

_Ay, dios mío, Cassian, it's just a_ phone.

Cassian sat in his kitchen, the phone in the center of the table in front of him. He'd been staring at it for the better part of an hour, trying to convince himself to actually dial the number that he had scrawled down earlier. For the Reem Hotel. Where Jyn was staying.

Jyn, who had asked him to call her.

Which he was going to do. Really, he was.

Pick it _up_.

“Thank you for calling the Reem Hotel. How may I assist you this morning?”

“Yes...yes, hello, I would like to contact one of your guests. Um, Jyn Erso?”

“I’m sorry sir, there are no guests here by that name.”

Cassian swore under his breath, certain he’d gotten the wrong hotel. But then he remembered what Jyn had said, that she booked it under a different name, just in case.

He just had to figure out what it was.

“Right, my apologies. Actually, could you look up another guest for me?”

“Of course, sir. What was the name?”

“Ummm…” Cassian hesitated for a brief second before it suddenly came to him. “Alice Liddell.”

“One moment, sir.” The line went silent and then it started ringing again, presumably connecting to Jyn’s room. The relief he felt at correctly guessing the name soon faded as he realized he now had to actually go through with it.

His heart was pounding as the line rang and maybe she wasn’t even in and all this worry was for nothing and god why was he sweating he needed to calm down but what if she said no but what if she said yes and fuck he should just hang—

“Hello?”

_Mierda._

“Hi, uh it’s Cassian. Is this a bad time cause I can call back?” He added quickly, certain she was probably busy with something and this was just a bad idea and why did he always put himself in—

“No, it’s perfect timing actually, I just got back from another interview.”

Her last words were basically a grumble and he had to catch himself before laughing. “That bad?”

“I got asked if the reason I wasn’t dating anyone was because I was pregnant.”

Cassian couldn't help the shocked sound that left his lips. “Wow. Does that happen a lot?”

“It’s a tactic a lot of them use. The point is to get me flustered enough so that I admit I’m seeing someone, even if it isn’t true.” There was a slight pause and some muffled movement that sounded like clothing, and he wondered if she was taking off whatever outfit she’d had to wear for the interview. And then he finished that trail of thought and refused to take it any farther. “Or I say nothing and that gives them cause to say I wouldn’t comment when they asked if I was pregnant. Either way, they have something juicy to print.”

The words were bitter, lacking the spark she’d had the last time he saw her. He wished he could see her face, to see if the effect was only on her voice.

Or maybe he just wanted to see her.

“Did you want to meet somewhere?” she asked suddenly and for one horrible moment he thought he’d spoken his thoughts out loud.

But then she quickly said “Unless you already have plans, which is completely fine...I uh…I just thought—“

He needed to say something now or this opportunity was going to close for good.

“No, I’m not doing anything. And yes I’d like to. See you, that is.”

“Okay. Great.” He hoped he wasn’t just imagining the smile in her voice. “I can come by the shop around 6? What time do you close on Thursdays?”

Thursday. The date had some kind of additional meaning to it but Cassian was temporarily clueless as to _what_.

Then it hit him.

“ _Mierda_.”

“Sorry?”

“I…there’s…it’s my friend’s birthday today and we’re all going over to his place for dinner tonight. I completely forgot until now.”

The only response he got was an “Oh”, and then the line was silent. A thought occurred to him but he didn’t know if it was an extremely stupid one or not.

But then the silence continued and he figured he needed to say _something_.

“If…uh if you wanted to, you could come. Only if you wanted to though, obviously there’s no pressure if it’s not something you want to—“

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” He knew this time that he wasn’t imagining the smile in her voice. “As long as they won’t mind.”

“They won’t. There’s always enough food to feed a small army.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

\---

“So it’s Chirrut’s birthday?”

“Yes.”

“And he’s married to Baze?”

“Correct.”

“And you met both of them through Bodhi, who’s coming too, and so is your roommate Kay.”

“Not bad, Erso.”

Jyn winked, acting more confident than she actually felt. It was one thing to know everyone’s name, it was quite another to sit and have dinner. She couldn’t think of a time she had done something like this, getting together with a small group of people. The only low-key dinner she usually had was shoving a crappy salad into her mouth while she sat on yet another plane. Or on the rare occasion she was actually at her apartment, where dinner consisted of a microwavable thing that tasted like cardboard.

“At least you already know Bodhi. So it’s not a completely new crowd.” He was talking a bit faster now, and she wondered if he was nervous too. She couldn’t imagine why, but it was still comforting. “But before we get there, I should apologize.”

“…for what?”

“For Kay.”

His straight-faced expression combined with his words had her frowning in confusion, though an amused smile was creeping up her face.

“Care to elaborate on that?” Though she couldn’t imagine anything his roommate had to say would surprise her. At this point, she’d heard it all.

“Uhh...let’s just say he’s…well he’s…he says what’s on his mind.”

“That’s a bad thing?”

“In most cases no, but with Kay…he tells you what you don’t want to hear.”

“Is he right?”

Cassian grinned. “Almost always.”

“Ah. Well, I’ve been warned.” Maybe her voice wobbled a bit or maybe she wasn’t hiding her emotions as well as she thought (or maybe he was just getting good at reading her). Regardless, Cassian glanced at her as she spoke, nudging her arm softly.

“You okay?”

“Sure. I’m good.”

He nodded once, and it was clear that he didn’t believe her, but wasn’t going to push her regardless.

She was going to have to make the fist move.

“It’s just…I think this is the first time I’ve ever gone out…like this.”

“ _Like this_?”

“With people. That weren’t actors or potential directors, or producers you have to make happy…” she trails off, not knowing how to quite articulate what she means. But then she feels his hand wrap around hers. He smiles at her, and squeezes her hand once, before letting go.

She misses it immediately.

Baze and Chirrut lived just outside Notting Hill, so it didn’t take them long to get there. And with the light wind and the slowly setting sun, it was the perfect time for a walk.

“Just to confirm…” she said as they walked up the front steps, “do they know I’m coming?”

“They know I’m bringing someone. That’s it. Thought it might be better if you did the… _introductions_ yourself.”

Once again he was being considerate without her even asking and once again he catches her off guard.

She must stare at him a beat too long because he inclines his head, frowning. “What is it?”

“…nothing. Nothing, let’s go.”

He didn’t knock, just opened the door and let her close it behind them.

“Cassian! Early, as always.” The voice came from further into the house, and Jyn wasn’t sure how the person knew that it was them who had just arrived. But Cassian doesn’t seem to notice.

“Have to set some kind of example, Chirrut.” He took her coat and hung it with his in the closet. He clearly knew his way around, leading her out of the foyer and down the hall. The place was small, but warm, and lived in. And it smelt amazing.

There were two men in the kitchen (Chirrut and Baze, she assumed), one man sitting at the table with what looked like a walking stick, and the other standing by the stove.

The man at the stove came forward, folding Cassian into a hug. “Knew it was you. Chirrut could hear you both talking outside.”

Had they been that loud? Jyn opened her mouth to comment and was suddenly having the breath squeezed out of her by two rather large arms. Baze had pulled her into a hug the same way he had with Cassian, and while it was slightly hard to breathe, Jyn found her nerves slowly fading out.

“Baze, don’t crush the girl”, came Chirrut’s voice from behind them (the man was tall enough that she didn’t even clear his shoulder). Baze finally released her, and smiled at her as if they were old friends. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too, I’m Jyn.” If he recognized her he didn’t show it. Just patted her on the shoulder and then went back to the stove, stirring something that must’ve been the source of the amazing smell.

Chirrut stood from the table and approached her, holding the walking stick. She then saw his eyes and realized he was blind.

“Good to meet you, Jyn.” He set a hand on her shoulder, and once again she felt as if she were being greeted by people who had known her forever. Very different from the fake, distant smiles in her world.

Chirrut was looking at her as though he could guess what she was thinking. “You’re certainly welcome here, Jyn.” Then his expression turned playful. “Especially since this is the first time Cassian’s ever brought anyone home.”

“Okay, I think it’s time for a drink.” Cassian’s words were spoken a bit too loud, given how small the room was.  Jyn gave him a teasing look before following him out of the kitchen to the living room.

“They seem really nice.” She said as he poked through the liquor cabinet.

“They are. But they can also be a little…overbearing.”

“I heard that.” Chirrut’s voice echoed throughout the house and Jyn couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Does he hear everything?”

“Well, according to him he does. But I have my doubts.”

“I heard that too.”

Cassian sighed in what was half exasperation and half endearing. Jyn wondered how many nights / days he had spent there. He’d said he had known them ever since he moved to London, but it felt longer.

Cassian was pouring them both a glass of wine when the door opened again and Bodhi walked in, followed by someone who must have been Kay. He was tall and thin, his movements almost machine-like.

Bodhi smiled widely when he saw Jyn, but she couldn’t help noticing the look that the other man gave her as Bodhi came over to hug her. It was both disapproving and calculating.

Well, this should be fun.

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight.” Bodhi said excitedly. “Cassian never said anything.”

“Well it was kind of last minute.” she said, taking the glass that Cassian handed her.

Bodhi went to say to Baze and Chirrut, taking Cassian with him, and Jyn found herself standing next to Kay.

“You must be Cassian’s roommate.” She said as politely as possible. “I’m Jyn.”

His eyes narrowed but he took her extended hand and shook it once before dropping it. “Kay Tuso.” His voice was accented similarly to hers, but she was willing to bet that was the only common ground between them.

“I assume Cassian invited you this evening?”

Jyn almost jumped at his question, assuming they would be standing in silence. “Yes he did.”

“And I also assume that he is aware of your—shall we say _public_ career?” he cast a sideways glance at her then and her body stiffened slightly.

“What’s it to you?” A small part of her was reminding herself about what Cassian said about Kay but a larger part was seriously considering punching him. Though he was tall enough though that she doubted she could reach.

“I’m simply asking a question.”

“But it seems you already know the answer.” That got her a glare, but she didn’t find out if he planned to comment because Cassian came up to them at that moment. “Baze said the food is ready.” She didn’t know how much he overheard but the look he was giving Kay wasn’t pleasant. The other man turned and walked back into the kitchen.

Jyn felt a slight pressure as Cassian’s arm came up to rest against her back.

“Please tell me he didn’t say anything too rash.”

“He was the perfect gentleman.”

“Okay now I know you’re lying. Thought you were an actress?”

Jyn nudged him in the ribs then, just as Chirrut called out from the kitchen. “You two better get in here or Baze is going to eat everything.”

They all crowded around the small table to eat. Jyn realized as they passed the dishes around that Baze had made roast lamb, something her Mamma used to make on Sundays, when they lived in England. He’d made Yorkshire pudding too, and Jyn remembered watching her mother from her perch at the table. Her young eyes had followed her mother’s every move, and she would jump up excitedly when asked if she wanted to help. She hadn’t eaten it in about 15 years, and found her eyes clouding slightly as she took the first bite. She managed to push it down, so she’s not sure how he noticed, but not long after she felt Cassian rest a hand on her thigh.

Her tears were forgotten very quickly as the evening went on. Bodhi was his usual kind self, made flustered by Chirrut’s light teasing. Kay argued at any chance he could, though on the rare occasion where Jyn was able to contribute she met him word for word (to his obvious dismay). Baze poked fun at both Chirrut and Cassian, to the point where even Kay began to smile.

They talked to her too, but the questions weren’t anything like the ones she got in interviews. The topic of her career was avoided altogether (even by Kay), and again she wondered if they knew but were too polite to say so.

Instead they asked about how she met Cassian, how long she planned on staying for. She excluded the part where Bodhi spilt coffee on her and she saw him give her an appreciative smile.

After dinner they had desert, before which they all sang happy birthday to a very embarrassed Chirrut.

Jyn realized as they were saying goodbye that she didn’t want to leave. Hugging Chirrut and Baze, she hoped she saw them again.

“You’re lucky.” She said to Cassian as they walked back. He turned to her, raising an eyebrow. “To have people like that…who care so much about you. You’re lucky.” The words were spoken softly but with conviction. His gaze lingered on her a few more seconds before looking away.

“They loved you, in case that wasn’t obvious. Though I’m sorry for anything that Kay said.”

Jyn shook her head. “He was fine, honestly. I’ve dealt with a lot worse than him.”

He paused then, and Jyn snuck a peek at his face. The lines of his face were pulled together in a frown, though he looked more thoughtful than angry.

“Can I ask you something?” the words were hesitant and careful, and they immediately had her bracing for the worst. But avoiding it wouldn’t help either.

“Sure.” She said after a moment, grateful her voice didn’t shake. There were dozens of things he could ask her; questions she didn’t want, or didn’t know how, to answer. When he spoke again he was just as cautious as before, as if he didn’t want to spook her.

“Do…are you happy, with your job?”

The question caught her off-guard. Happy? The amount of things she’d been asked over the years covered a wide range of topics, but rarely did they approach the subject of her _well-being_.

It was easier to answer when she wasn’t looking at him. And though she could feel his gaze on her, she kept her eyes on the sidewalk.

“I love acting. Stepping into someone else’s life, giving them a voice. It’s the only thing I ever really wanted to do.” Visions of her putting on plays for her parents flicker through her head. She pushes them away. “But the fame, being constantly scrutinized and having your every move questioned…it’s exhausting.” Her voice is bitter, the way it always is when she talks about her job. “And I don’t know if I can do it much longer.” she added slowly.

It was the first time she had said the words out loud.

Cassian stopped walking then, and she turned to him, afraid of what she’d see on his face. But it wasn’t the pity she feared it would be. The look could only really be described as tender. He moved slowly, clearly giving her plenty of time to stop him, as he pulled her towards him, before wrapping his arms around her. It was a different hug than with the bear hug from Baze earlier. This was all softness.

Jyn laid her head on his chest, her arms coming up to rest against his back. He had one hand on her lower back and the other on the back of her head, holding her gently against him. He held her like she was something precious, important.

From where her head lay she could hear his heartbeat, how it was beating slightly faster than normal. It calmed her, and she pressed a fraction closer. His grip tightened on her in turn. It was safe. She felt safe.

They didn’t speak.

Jyn wondered if maybe he'd been starving for this kind of comfort the same way that she had been.

If she could, she probably would have stayed there forever. But too soon, he was pulling away.

“I should get you back.” His fingers grazed her shoulders, then moved slowly down her arms. A shiver ran up her spine that had nothing to do with the wind.

“Okay.” She whispered. But she took his hand before walking again, and he laced his fingers through hers.

When they reached her hotel they both slowed down. Cassian moved in front of her, ducking his head slightly to meet her gaze. “Thank you for coming. I’m…I’m really glad you did.”

“Me too.”

Their hands were still clasped together. Cassian took a couple steps forward, until they were almost flush with each other. He pulled her close again, resting his forehead against hers.

Her eyes almost slipped closed.

This time she pulled away, letting go of his hand.

“Goodnight Cassian.”

“Goodnight Jyn.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't have Cassian say 'Oopsa daisy' and actually be Cassian, but that was one of my favorite things in the film. That whole scene is gold.

**five.**

It got to the point where Cassian just assumed Jyn would stop by the store. Either be there in the morning with coffee, or in the afternoon after yet another interview.

The one time he found her _inside_ the shop when he opened up, he shouted out more swear words than he remembered saying in a long time. The only explanation he was given was that she was good at getting into places. And that he should look into upgrading his locks.

“Really? You break into my store and say it’s because of my locks?”

She’d held up her hands and given him a mischievous smile that had his stomach doing flip-flops. “Hey I’m just being honest. Plus it’s raining pretty bloody heavily out there.”

“Uh huh. Well if you’re going to break in you can at least come help me with these boxes.”

“Okay. Only because you asked so nicely.”

And on and on. The fact that she was leaving in just a few days was still there, always present at the back his mind. She didn’t bring it up, but he saw it in her face sometimes. The way she looked at him, like he was going to disappear, even though she was the one leaving.

But he couldn’t—wouldn’t—let himself focus on that.

Because he was happy. Stupidly happy.

“What’s got you grinning like an idiot?” Shara had shouted at him one morning. He’d only winked at her, waving to Kes, before continuing walking.

It felt like a dream. But the problem with those was that eventually, you had to wake up.

On Jyn’s second last day in town (not that he was counting because he wasn’t), he found a note stuck to the door of his shop. _Reem Hotel_ was printed in block letters on the side. He grinned, thumbing the note open.

_Meet me at Ladbroke Square Gardens tonight at 9 – J._

This would be the first time they’d met somewhere that wasn’t his shop since the night of Chirrut’s birthday. He swallowed down the nervousness already building in his throat and stuffed the note in his pocket.

The rest of his day passed in a blur. Bodhi asked more than once if he was feeling okay, and Cassian just waved him off. But after he messed up someone’s purchase for the third time Bodhi took over at the cash and Cassian went off to the back to do inventory.

But that was no good either. He might as well have forgotten how to read for all the sense the numbers made. Cassian always prided himself in being able to focus, to push all unnecessary emotions aside until they could be useful. But when Jyn was involved, all his practice and precision went out the window.

He was falling for her. There was no denying that. He probably had been since she sent that thief packing on the day they met. He had felt her resistance then, her reluctance to trust anyone. And now…

Now she was letting him in. Slowly, but it was happening. When he’d held her after Chirrut’s party, he‘d wanted to stay in that moment. Wanted her to know, to understand, that he cared about her. Not Jyn Erso, the celebrity, the It girl. But her. Jyn. The one who quoted Alice in Wonderland like it was gospel, who made Bodhi smile, and made Cassian’s head spin.

His routine life had been turned completely upside down by this woman, and he was glad.

He felt like he was finally awake.

That night he closed at 7:30, wished Bodhi a goodnight, and worked on the inventory until 8:45. Then he walked the few blocks to Ladbroke Square. He’d never been to the gardens, since they were closed off to the public, but he had a feeling that wasn’t going to stop Jyn (though the gardens had to be under tighter security than his little shop).

Of course, Jyn was already there, leaning casually against the fence. Her hair was down, framing her face and falling loosely over her shoulders.

God, he was a goner.

“Hey.” She pushed off from the fence and came to meet him, stopping only a foot from where he stood. This time she put her arms around him, pulled him in close. The shirt she was wearing left her shoulders bare and he trailed his fingers over her skin, feeling her slight shiver.

“How do you feel about slightly bending the law?” She asked as she pulled away. She bit her lip then and Cassian’s mind went blank.

“Uh…exactly…uh, how _much_ would we be bending the law?’

Mercifully, her lip came out from behind her teeth and he focused instead on the current illegal situation she was about to pull him into.

“Just a little.” She nodded towards the fence, to the park. “Afraid the gate is locked.”

His hands were in his pockets as he walked closer, shooting her a smirk. “Left your keys at home?”

She winked ( _Dios mío_ she was trying to kill him) and turned to the gate. A split second passed where he wondered if she was going to do what he thought she was going to do before she hoisted herself up and over the fence.

“Do you know what the fine is for trespassing on private property?” is the genius retort he came out with, approaching the gate. She grinned at him from the other side and cocked an eyebrow. A challenge.

“Are you coming or not?”

God be with him.  Cassian got a good grip on the iron and lifted, swinging a leg over followed by the other before jumping down. He landed softly, meeting her grin with one of his own.

“Impressive. You break into a lot of places?”

“Hey I could say the say about you.”

“I’ve played two criminals and a cop okay, at least I have an excuse.”

They were both talking softly, knowing that they were someplace they shouldn’t be. But they were completely alone, no customers passing through, no tourists milling around. Just the two of them.

It was beautiful, even at night. Green fields, with benches set up along the path. Flowers that he knew would be beautiful in the daylight. Jyn led the way, seeming to have a specific destination in mind. He wondered if she’d snuck in here before, at night during her walks.

She stopped next to a bench, slightly out of the way of the others given that it was partially hidden by trees. He couldn’t read the look on her face as she sat down, and he sat beside her. She looked almost sad, but somewhat wistful as well.

“I used to live around here.”

The words alone were enough to make him stiffen but her tone had him shifting to face her. She didn’t look at him, continuing to stare off into the park. It clicked together then, the reason why they were there. Suddenly trespassing didn’t seem like that big of a deal.

“My…my parents lived in one of the houses that back onto the gardens, so we could come here whenever we wanted.” Her voice cracked on the word _parents_ and he instinctively put a hand on her leg. That’s how his body seemed to work now, jumping in when she was hurting. It was practically a reflex.

“We used to come here every other weekend, bring a picnic.” She still didn’t look at him, but her eyes were glazing over and he wondered if she was seeing ghosts instead of trees, shadows of things that used to be.

“I haven’t been back since they…” her voice wobbled again and then she turned to bury her face in his chest. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pressing his lips to her forehead. She wasn’t crying, but he could feel her shaking against him. He realized in the back of his mind that this was the first time he’d seen her so— _vulnerable_.

He knew that he didn’t need to balance the scale, didn’t need to give her a piece of himself in exchange for the piece she’d given him. But he does anyway.

“I was a cop, before. In Mexico. I joined right out of high school.”

She didn’t move, didn’t make a sound. But he knew she was listening.

“My mother was against it but I did it anyway. And after 5 years in the _Policía Federa_ I thought I was making a difference. Doing something for the greater good. But then there was a firefight, between two Mexican gangs. It happened in the middle of the day, near a shopping center…” The words were heavy on his tongue but he pressed on anyway. “My mother and sister were there. They didn’t make it out.”

He heard, or rather, he _felt_ her inhale sharply, and her hand fisted into his shirt. This was probably the first time he’d told this story and not felt as if it would break him in half.

“Did you leave on your own?” she asked, her words barely a whisper.

He shook his head. “My friend Shara lived near us with her husband Kes. She was pregnant, and trying to get out of Mexico. When I planned to leave I helped them get out as well.”

She shifted then, moving so that her eyes met his. And he saw that she understood that he didn’t tell her this out of guilt. Or pity. He told her because he wanted to.

“Your parents would be proud of you, Jyn.”

There was a pause then, as she stared at him.

She moved first, leaning up to press her lips to his. It was soft, tentative, everything she wasn’t. But she was being careful with him and he knew why. There was still hesitation, still an element of caution around her.

His hands were in her hair as he pulled her closer, lips harder on hers. _You’re safe with me_ he tried to tell her. _You’re safe_.

She sighed into his mouth and he tightened his hold, hands moving up her body to cup her face, palms pressing against her skin. Just holding her was everything, but kissing her…he could get lost in it.

She captured his lower lip between her teeth and he groaned, holding her tighter. _That_ was Jyn. Not letting him have the upper hand, even now.

Later, he’ll think he didn’t hear them because he was kissing her. If he had been more alert, maybe he could have pulled them out of there in time.

But he _was_ kissing her and she was kissing him back and so his instincts were understandably distracted. So he didn’t hear them until it was too late.

“Jyn! Jyn Erso!” A flash went off as the person shouted, and the two of them sprung apart, Jyn wide eyed and pale as they saw the group of photographers running towards them.

Cassian grabbed her hand and pulled her up. “Come on, we have to go!”

She followed him and they ran, all the while the cameras kept flashing. He tried not to listen to what the people were saying but it was hard. “Jyn, why did you break into the gardens? Was it to see him?”, “Jyn, is this your boyfriend?”, “How long have you been together?” and then “Is that Cassian Andor? How did you two meet?” “Cassian, how many nights has she spent with you while in London?”

He wants to give _that_ particular photographer a punch in the face but there’s no time. They reach the fence and he hoists her up, before climbing over himself.

They run again, and he pulls her into an alley off the street, one that’s small enough it doesn’t look like it’s there at all.

He waited, and though he could still hear them yelling, the sound wasn’t getting any closer. He turned back to find Jyn staring at him, eyes narrowed. It’s practically a glare.

His breath hitched and it had nothing to do with the fact that they were just running.

“Jyn—“

“How did they know, Cassian? They knew exactly where to find us, why?” Everything he’d seen on her face earlier, all of it was gone. The only thing left was anger. Anger and hurt.

_No._

“Jyn…I swear—“

“Oh you swear, do you? You swear you have no idea how they found us there?” There were tears in her eyes and he felt like he’d been punched in the gut, like his insides had been scooped out. She moved out of the alley, visibly shaking. He tried to reach for her arm and she shook him off, eyes flashing.

 “Don’t touch me.” She snarled. “It’s one thing to set me up but if they heard what I said about my parents…”

“Jyn, please, I would _never_ —“

“I can’t…I’m done.” She swiped at her eyes as she said the words, turning away and walking down the street. He held himself in place, wanting to go after her, to shout himself hoarse until she believed him, but he knew, deep down, that it wouldn’t do any good. In all honesty she would probably hit him.

So he stood watching her, the way he has for the last week, walking away from him. Only this time it was for good.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time, but I should have the next one up tomorrow! (and it'll be longer)
> 
> Thank you for all the wonderful comments!

**six.**

Wake up. Shower. Don’t think about her.

Get dressed. Don’t think about her. Brush teeth.

Make coffee. Don’t….

But coffee was strong and bitter and so was she even if it wasn’t her fault and god this was hard was it supposed to be this hard was she suffering like this did he even want her to—

Cassian practically slammed the cupboard door shut, feeling the vibrations from his fingers down through his arm. Thank god Kay wasn’t there or he would be reciting the statistical probability of a wrist fracture. His hands were in fists and he was trying desperately to put his mind somewhere else (literally, anywhere else) but it wasn’t working. Two weeks later and he was still struggling.

The problem was that he had known this would happen. This was always going to happen. And he had followed her down the rabbit hole anyway.

(Even Alice in Wonderland was tainted for him now, bringing up memories of fiery eyes and soft lips with its seemingly innocent pages. The new copies he’d ordered to show her still sat in their box at the back of the shop, untouched. He planned to keep them there until he sold the place).

His small apartment suddenly felt more cramped than usual, so he put on his shoes, grabbed his keys, and practically bolted out the door.

The air was cool, and he didn’t have a jacket, so he crossed his arms against his chest and hunched his shoulders. But that seemed to be his typical position of late; body hunched defensively as it waited for another inevitable blow.

He was walking fast enough that the cold was soon forgotten, as were the people he passed by. Their faces were blurs, their words nonexistent. As far as Cassian was concerned, they weren’t there at all. He’d spent most of his life being invisible, and he used this skill now, winding in and out of crowds, never lingering long enough for anyone to pay him any attention.

Soon his feet had led him to Chirrut and Baze’s place, which was probably his destination all along, though he’d never made any conscious decision on the matter.

This was where he always ended up, in the end.

“You do not seem well, my friend” was the greeting he got from Chirrut when he walked through their doorway. No pleasantries or small talk. Straight to the point.

 “I never pretended to be _well_ , Chirrut.” Cassian stepped inside, forcing himself not to remember when he was here with Jyn. When they had walked back together. When he’d held her.

“You were more than well, for a little while.”

Cassian chose to ignore that, sitting down instead. Baze set a mug of tea in from of him before also sitting at the table. Cassian kept his eyes on the mug, though he could feel both of their stares on him.

“Simply pretending that she was never in your life is not going to help you.”

“I think it’s working out pretty well, actually.”

“Is that so?”

Cassian didn’t need to be looking at the blind man to know the look he was giving him. Didn’t help that Baze likely had the same expression on his own face.

“If you want to say something just say it.”

“I don’t think I have to.”

“But you will anyway.”

“Cassian, you need to talk to her.” This time it was Baze who spoke.

“Look, there’s nothing I can say that will convince her it wasn’t me.” He managed to keep his voice steady, even as he saw a flash of her eyes that night. The look she gave him.

It was that look that made knots in his stomach.

“Is that truly what you think, or are you just scared?”

Chirrut was a bit like Kay in that he usually said what you didn’t want to hear—even if it was true. Occasionally Baze could be counted upon to be the more realistic out of the two of them, but this time the man seemed to agree with his husband.

“You should reach out, Cass.”

“And say what? And even if she did talk to me, what’s the point? We all know where this is going to lead.”

“Do we?’

“Yes.”

Chirrut was frowning at him the way a parent would after their child had a tantrum. Cassian avoided it by taking a sip of his tea and for once he welcomed the sweet taste. This, at least, was not bitter. Not like her.

“But you miss her.” The words could have been considered cruel, as if he were being taunted. But Chirrut’s tone was gentle.

There was no point in lying. He’d never been able to lie to either of them.

“Yes, I miss her. Obviously.”

“And you think forgetting her is the answer?”

Cassian sighed and set down his cup, running a hand over his face. “No, but I’m not going to wallow in it either. It’s done.” And really, he couldn’t blame her. After everything, after guarding herself against everything she could, the second she’d let her herself be open, she’d gotten hurt. Badly. Even if it hadn’t been his fault, he understood.

He’d trusted her. He just wished she had trusted him back.

He didn’t stay long, as eventually Chirrut’s cryptic words and Baze’s long stares got to be too much. The prospect of going home wasn’t all that appealing either though, so he took the long way back, purposely walking slowly.

He had to stop thinking about her in theory and in metaphors. She wasn’t an idea or a concept to wrap his head around. She was a person, someone who’d been in his life and now wasn’t anymore. Simple as that.

(But she was also poetry that he could get lost in, warmth and softness that he’d never felt before and couldn’t bear to let go of).

It was always going to end this way. And now that it had, he could move on, just like she had.

He _would_ move on.

He was so focused on this thought, on letting it consume him until he could pretend the ache in his gut was distant and hollow, that he didn’t see the headlines on the newspapers as he walked past the stalls. Didn’t see the name _Jyn Erso_ plastered across every entertainment magazine and celebrity column, the words becoming nastier and more offensive as they went on.

Didn’t realize the universe was trying to tell him that something was _wrong_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the POV jumps around a little here...hope that's okay.

**Seven.**

Water filled Cassian's shoes as he ran through puddle after puddle, the splashes barely audible through the sound of the heavy rain. He cursed as he ran, wishing he'd listened to Kay that morning and actually put on decent footwear. It felt like his shoes were taking on puddles of their own, and all he could do was keep adding to the mix.

But then Kay always looked so smug whenever Cassian actually listened to him, and he hadn't been in the mood for his roommate's condescension. 

Not that Kay hadn't offered it anyway.

"You look worse than you did yesterday."

"Good morning to you too, Kay."

"Did you not sleep last night?"

"Since when have you known me to sleep?"

"It's because of her, isn't it?"

"No."

"Since when have you been able to lie to me?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"You're avoiding the subject, which means I must be right."

"I'm leaving."

Needless to say Cassian tried to spend as much time as he could away from the apartment.

When he finally made it inside his shop he kicked off his shoes and yanked off his socks, tossing them on the mat next to the door.

He was so focused on getting warm that he didn't see her at first.

Or maybe he had, maybe he'd sensed her the minute he'd walked through the door, but he'd ignored the feeling. Because that was what he had to do. That was the only way he was going to move on.

But then he flicked on a light and he saw her eyes and for a moment he went completely still. Most of her face was still in shadow, but he could see enough to know that it was her.

She was there.

He hadn't seen her for _weeks_ , had tried so hard not to think about her, and now she was right there in front of him and his mind had gone completely blank.

(He’d think she was a hallucination but even his mind couldn’t conjure this up).

There was a brief movement when they each held still, staring at the other.

Jyn moved, slowly, as if she was trying not to startle him. He wanted to say something, anything, anything to keep her from leaving. But then the light hit her face and a gasp ripped through his throat, all thought of words forgotten.

She was soaked, clearly she'd also been caught in the storm, but that wasn't what had stopped him short. It was the dark purple circles under her eyes, standing out against her too-pale skin, it was the way her lips were trembling. It was how _wrecked_ she looked.

" _Jyn_ \--" If he'd had any sense of mind he would've been bothered at how much her name sounded like a prayer on his lips, like something sacred. But he wasn't in his right mind at all.

The rain hitting the windows was the only sound in the shop as he moved forward slowly, copying her pace from before. She couldn't feel threatened or cornered. Not now. Not with him.

Brown eyes watched him as he moved, holding none of the malice he'd seen before. There was apprehension, and hurt, but it wasn't aimed at him.

Maybe it never had been.

They were only a few feet apart now, staring at each other in the dim light. Shockingly, she moved first. (Just like in the park, but this time there was so much more at stake).

It was quick enough that he didn't see her move forward, only felt her arms suddenly wrap around him. Cassian responded immediately, pulling her in closer, one hand cradling her head and the other around her waist. And he wished it was under better circumstances that he was holding her again, because _fuck_ this felt right. Even with their rain-soaked clothes, even with their arms holding each other just a bit too tight, this felt more _right_ and _solid_ than anything he'd felt in the last few years.

"Jyn." he said again, because _what happened_ and _did someone hurt you_ were too hard, might shatter whatever kind of temporary peace they've found in this moment. She just held him tighter, and he tried not to think about how she was still shaking.

Her skin was cold as he pressed his lips to her forehead, and he didn't miss the sigh that she made when he did. Warmth filled him that only had a small part to do with her body heat. Jyn's arms moved up his body, hands gripping at his shoulders. They should both be changing into dryer clothes but moving away from her right now might just kill him.

She was saying something--he could feel it where her head was pressing against his chest--but he couldn't make it out. A noise of protest escaped him as she pulled away, but it was only enough so that they were eye to eye.

He tensed again at the sight of her face. Without thinking, his hand came up slowly to rest against her cheek. Carefully, his thumb moved in a slow circle over the skin. Jyn leant into the  touch, eyes almost slipping closed.

"I'm sorry."

The words were practically a sigh; spoken so softly he would have missed them if he weren't standing so close. Her eyes opened slowly, fixing him with a piercing stare.

He'd missed that too.

"I'm so sorry Cassian...I...I shouldn't be here..." her eyes traveled downwards as she spoke. "I just...I didn't know where else to--"

He moved a hand under her chin then, tilting her head up gently.

"You can stay as long as you want. Okay?"

Maybe she would leave again and maybe it would hurt worse than before but right now she needed him and that was all that mattered.

A nod was the only response he got, and he pulled her back against him, tucking her head under his chin. They fit together the same way they had before.

Cassian hoped it was a good sign.

\---

There had been many moments in Jyn's life when she'd wished for a script. For someone to tell her exactly what was going to happen, what she should say and do. How the situation would play out, line for line. If it was a conversation, she knew how it would end. If it was a fight, she knew who would win.

Multiple points that eventually came together for a conclusion. Precise. Stable.

Predictable.

But standing in front of Cassian, soaking wet, unable to hide the desperation on her face, was completely uncharted territory. Say the wrong thing and he could leave her, the way she’d left him. And that was what she deserved. Absolutely.

But say the right thing? And maybe he would stay. Which was also completely new terrain.

And each were equally terrifying.

Turned out though that words weren't necessary. At least not at first.

After, when the storm outside had gotten worse and they were sitting next to each other on the floor of his shop, she figured she owed him an explanation. Two, actually.

“I know it wasn’t you.” She said carefully. Her voice was raw from being out in the rain but she knew he understood her.

“Before…in the park…I know it wasn’t you.” It wasn’t until later that she found out someone from the hotel had followed her to meet Cassian, had recognized him from the bookstore. Had called every news outlet they could with the story.

“I…I should never have accused you, Cassian. I knew…I know you never would have…” she trailed off, trying to get herself together, trying to figure out the right words because this was important. She needed him to understand. “But I got scared and so I did the only thing I know how to do. I pushed you away. And I ran.”

He watched her, keeping quiet, letting her get it out. But he didn’t look at her any different, even after everything. And that in and of itself made her want to cry.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me…“ a pause, a deep breath, and then she kept going, “but if you’d be willing to give me a second chance I swear that I—“

“ _Jyn_.”

That’s it. All he had to do was say her name and she almost fell apart again.

There was a light pressure at her temple and she focused on it, focused on his lips on her skin, let it calm her. Center her. He nuzzled her cheek and she leant into him, sighing.

“I forgive you.”

The words were whispered against her skin and her sigh became almost a sob.

“Jyn, of course I forgive you.”

If she had her way she would lose herself in this moment, in the feeling of being back in his arms. But there was another reason she came here and she needed him to know. Before he found out on his own.

“Cassian…there’s something else.”

\---

Once again he was waiting for the blow, but this time it was different. This time it wasn’t aimed at him, it was at her, and all he could do was listen and pray that she was still there when the story was over.

She was tucked into his side, warm and solid and _there,_ and he wished it was enough.

“After I got back to LA I got asked a lot of questions about you. About us.” Her fingers shook as she fidgeted, playing with the fabric of her jeans. “And it was fine, we were handling it. Leia and I. Until…they started digging up old articles about me. I guess they figured they could combine this with another story about an old boyfriend, if they could find one.” A pause then, and he felt her take a breath, as if preparing for whatever bomb she was about to lay at his feet.

“Instead they found pictures that were taken, when I was young. When I first moved to California.” From the tone of her voice Cassian could guess what kind of _pictures_ they found.  His hands clenched into fists, body taunt and motionless.

Her next words were rushed. “It happens a lot, more than you probably think. I was young and I needed the money…my manager at the time said that it would help my career..."

He realized a beat too late that she was trying defend herself to him. As if he would judge her for what had happened. Cassian eased the tension in his body enough to press himself closer, lips moving over her temple, to her cheek, to her neck. “You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, Jyn.”

A shaky breath escaped her lips but she nodded, the top of her head brushing against his chin. “It was something that I tried to forget. Even now it’s like it happened to someone else…but the point is someone found them and now they’re plastered across every newspaper and magazine in America. And London too by the looks of it.”

“Jyn…” the number of times he’d said her name in the last few hours had probably reached questionable numbers but he can’t help it. To be able to say it and not feel the ache he’d grown so used to was something of a marvel. “Jyn I’m so sorry.”

“I just…I’m not…I don’t know where to go from here.”

“Well, you can stay with me, while you figure it out. If you want to.”

He felt her shift then, and he straightened up as she turned to fix him with another stare. But this one was all surrender; she’d fought with so much for so long and now she had nothing left.

It was enough to terrify him more than any words could, and so he leaned forward, slow enough that she could push him away if she wanted to. But she didn’t, and so he brushed his lips over hers, fingers gently resting under her chin. It was slow, tentative, a way of saying _I’m sorry_ and _I missed you_ and _I‘m here for you._ It was only supposed to be a quick, soft thing, but then she worked a hand into his hair, pulling him down, pressing her lips more firmly against his and suddenly it wasn’t soft, not at all. Her fingers pulled at his hair, causing him to inhale sharply and he retaliated by moving his lips from her mouth to her neck, relishing the sound that she made when he did.

God, he’d missed her.

His heart throbbed in his chest and he wondered if she would hear it, it was so loud. Wondered if she knew that he could still taste the tears on her tongue.

After, they walked back to his apartment, hand in hand. The rain had finally let up, but the streets were empty, as if everyone was preparing for another onslaught. Jyn had asked him if it was safe to be at his place, since the media already had his name from when they were caught in the garden. If they had his name, they could find out where he lived. But he’d shook his head, and told her the place wasn’t under his name. Not his real one anyway. Old habits died hard, and after leaving Mexico he hadn’t wanted to make it easy for anyone to find him. Just in case.

She’d smiled then, and he’d wished she could always smile like that, that she wouldn’t ever have to experience anything that would wipe it from her face.

Mercifully, Kay was not home when they got in. Jyn only had a small bag with her (“I just packed for a few days. Leia told me to lay low but I’m not sure how long it’ll be for”), and her clothes were still wet from earlier so he went through his closet and gave her some of his things. Then he’d shown her where the bathroom was and left her alone to clean up.

But not before she’d pulled at his shirt, tugging him closer and kissing him. Whispered _thank you_ in his ear and made him shiver.

Pasta was cooking on the stove and he was stirring the sauce when he heard her come into the kitchen. “Hey, I don’t know if you’re hungry but I made,” he turned towards her as he spoke and felt his words died on his tongue. She was wearing one of his shirts ( _only_ his shirt), a plain thing he’d never really liked, but it cut off mid-thigh and he felt his eyes widen as she walked in. Her hair was damp and her face was flushed and shit he had to keep it together.

“Sorry?” she asked, tilting her head, clearly not realizing how much she was killing him. He cleared his throat and went back to the sauce.

“Uh…I made…I’m making pasta, if…if you’re hungry.”

She didn’t respond to that, and he wondered if maybe she'd heard the unconcealed longing in his voice, when he felt her arms wrap around him from behind. She was clearly on her tip toes, and she rested her chin on his shoulder, arms circling around his chest. His eyes slipped closed and he folded his hands over hers, leaning back against her. It shouldn’t have been so easy, to just have her back in his life. To let his guard down again, with the ache and the hurt a not-so-distant memory. But it was. It was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience guys! This chapter wasn't in the original draft of the story (hence the delayed posting), but I felt like it was necessary for the pacing.
> 
> So here you go (finally)!

**eight.**

“What was your mother’s name?”

“Lyra. Yours?”

“Verónica. What’s your favorite place that you’ve traveled to?”

“Croatia. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful. Did you have any pets as a kid?”

“No, but I always wanted a dog.”

“Me too.”

They’d been at this for hours. Their empty pasta bowls were stacked on his side table, blankets bunched around them on the couch. Each of them held a mug with liquid that long had since gone cold. Cassian had thought about making more tea a few times, but couldn’t bring himself to get up. This, them talking in hushed voices, about anything and everything, huddled together, it felt like nothing could touch them. Like as long as they stayed there, everything would be okay.

Not true, of course. But he wanted to enjoy the feeling as long as he could.

Jyn’s color had slowly come back, and there was a softness in her eyes that he hadn’t seen earlier. This wasn’t over, he knew that. Still, it eased something inside him to be able to look at her and not feel entirely shattered.

They hadn’t spoken about the photos. She hadn’t brought it up, and he wouldn’t ask.

Jyn set her mug on the table and pulled the blankets tighter around her. “Why didn’t you get a dog when you moved here?”

“Didn’t want to at first, in case I had to leave again. And once Kay moved in it wasn’t an option. He’s allergic.”

“Of course he is.”

Cassian smiled at that. “I’d ask why you didn’t get one either but I think I know the answer.”

“Celebrity lifestyle isn’t really suited for a pet. I have a hard enough time with myself.”

He wanted to tell her that she was probably doing a better job than she thought, but held back. Given the present situation he didn’t know if that was the best thing to say. Add to that the fact that she clearly saw this as at least partially her fault, and it definitely wasn’t the right thing to say.

So, he took the easy route.

“Worst restaurant you’ve ever been to?”

And on and on. At some point Jyn shifted, body stiff from sitting so much, and he moved to try and give her more room, and somehow she ended up pressed against him, body flush with his. He froze for only a few seconds before pulling her closer, and she rested her head on his shoulder. They grew quiet after that, and it wasn’t long before he realized that Jyn had fallen asleep.

Her breathing was steady, and the fact that she was warm and solid and safe beside him was enough to have his own eyes slip shut.

The peace he felt as he slept came grinding to a halt a few hours later when he felt Kay’s hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake.

Well this wouldn’t be good.

His roommate kept quiet as Cassian detangled himself from Jyn, and followed him into the kitchen. But it seemed that was all the patience Kay was capable of.

“Are you out of your mind?”

“Hello to you too.”

“You invited that woman into our flat?”

“That woman? Really?”

“Cassian, be serious.”

“I’m very serious.”

“Your actions would suggest otherwise.”

“Kay—“

“You mope about for weeks—don’t look at me like that you know I’m right—and the second she comes back you—“

“Kay, it’s not like that—“

“Do you want to know the statistical probability of this going wrong again? Because it’s high.”

“Kay—“

“It’s very high.”

“Kay, listen.” Cassian didn’t shout the words, but the tone of his voice was forceful enough that Kay was mercifully quiet.

“It’s not—it’s not what you think, okay? At all, actually. What happened before wasn’t her fault.”

Kay looked at him as if he had a very different viewpoint, but kept his mouth shut.

“It wasn’t. And something happened—she needs a place to stay for a little while. Just to lay low. So she’s going to stay here.” The last words were spoken with as much authority as he could manage for someone who’d only been awake for a few minutes.

They both stood there in silence before Kay nodded curtly.

“I’m assuming I won’t be able to change your mind, so I won’t bother trying.”

“Good.”

“I still don’t think this is the right—“

“Noted.”

“And if this ends wrong—“

“Then it’ll be on me.”

“Yes. It will.”

His roommate left the room without so much as another look, but Cassian knew he would get over it.

Rubbing his eyes, he padded back into the living room, where Jyn was still passed out on the couch. He was about to join her again when he heard a buzzing going off, coming from the phone in her bag. He grabbed it and moved into the hallway, careful not to wake her.

A quick check of the screen told him that it was Leia Organa. Her manager.

He debated whether or not to answer, but figured that she’d probably call again if he didn’t.

“Hello?”

There was a pause on the other end. “Who is this?”

“Cassian. Cassian Andor. I’m—“

“I know who you are.”

“Uhh—right. Okay, good.”

“Is Jyn alright?” Leia’s tone was all business, and Cassian understood almost immediately why she and Jyn worked together so well. Put them together in a room and they’d be able to talk anyone into anything.

However even she couldn’t mask the layer of emotion in her words.

Though he had enough self-preservation not to mention it.

“Yes, yes she’s fine.”

“Can I speak to her?”

“She’s sleeping, actually. But I can tell her to call you back?”

Another pause.

“Yes, that’s be great. Thank you, Mr. Andor.”

“No problem.”

“No, really. Thank you.”

The emotion bled through the words this time, and Cassian knew what she was really thanking him for.

“You’re welcome.”

\----

“Jyn.”

“Mmph.”

“Jyn. You have to get up.”

“No. No I don’t.”

“You have to eat something.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Jyn blinked sleepily up at him, a frown playing across her face, and he would have been happy to have won the small argument if he hadn’t been distracted (again) by how beautiful she was.

(Little did he know that Jyn was distracted by the thought that she could get used to waking up to him.)

They were both brought back to reality when Jyn’s stomach growled. Loudly.

“See?” Cassian grinned and held out a hand.

Jyn sighed loudly but took it, pulling herself up. She ran a hand through her hair, moving it out of her eyes, and yawned. Cassian had a feeling that she could probably use a few more hours rest (at least), but he stood by his earlier point. The sleep wouldn’t help if she didn’t eat.

His hand pressed against her back, moving up and down slowly. “Do you feel like anything?”

“Is there any more pasta? I could just have that.” She stifled another yawn.

“You should probably have something a bit more nutritious.”

“You sound like Leia.”

“Oh, actually…she called, earlier. While you were asleep.” He’d momentarily forgotten. “I answered the phone…I hope that’s okay. I just didn’t want her to worry. I told her you’d call her back.”

Jyn didn’t answer, but she leant into him, head resting just under his chin. He wrapped his other arm around her and held her close.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

She pressed closer against his chest, and he wondered how long it had been since someone had really held her like this.

Probably as long as it had been for him.

“Food?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“We have eggs, I think. I could make an omelet?”

“Okay.” She tilted her head up and kissed his cheek before pulling away. He felt the loss of contact immediately and took her hand, returning the smile she gave him as he led them into the kitchen.

Jyn perched on the counter top as he started on the veggies, and every so often she’d brush her legs against his.

“I’d offer to help but I’m shit at cooking.”

“I’m sure you’re not that bad.” He said, cutting the peppers.

“Oh I’m worse. Leia banned me from my own kitchen.” Jyn held up her hand and he saw a faint scar curling around her palm. “That happened the first time she left me alone.”

His eyes moved over the scar. “How?”

“Don’t ask. Let’s just say there was a lot of blood.”

“So I guess I won’t be asking you to cut the mushrooms.”

“Maybe not.”

“That’s okay. You can watch.”

“Fine by me. It’s a nice view.” Her smile turned mischievous, and he had to set down the peppers so that he could kiss her.

Needless to say the eggs took a little longer than planned.

Later, after they'd both eaten, Cassian led her up the stairs to his room. It wasn't much, just a bed, a desk and a chest of drawers. He had the smaller out of the two bedrooms, so everything was crammed together. Jyn was rubbing her eyes again though, and so he doubted she even noticed.

"So the bathroom's just out here to the right. You---uh, can borrow another shirt if you need to." He was suddenly nervous and he wasn't sure why. “I’ll—I’ll just be downstairs, if you need—“

“You’re not staying?” Jyn was frowning at him.

"I uh, I just figured I'd sleep on the couch."

“Why?”

God, she was making this difficult. “Just…thought you might want some space.”

Jyn stood up, fixing him with another hard, slightly intimidating, stare—which was impressive given how tired he knew she was. “I want you to stay.”

It felt like he’d stepped into a furnace with the warmth that was suddenly coursing through him. Obviously, _obviously_ , he hadn’t wanted to leave her, hadn’t wanted to let her out of his sight for that long, but he wouldn’t make her feel uncomfortable. The couch would’ve been fine.

Hell, he’d have shared Kay’s room before he’d make her feel cornered.

And from the way she was looking at him, Cassian could tell she knew that.

Jyn went to use the bathroom, and Cassian tried to calm his nerves by going through his routine. Trying to establish some sense of normalcy.

But then she walked in wearing one of his shirts again looking warm and soft and all semblance of _normal_ went out the window.

 _Normal_ would have been getting into bed and then staring at the ceiling for hours. Normal was giving up and then going downstairs to watch some shitty television program. Normal was cold coffee and red eyes as he worked through another sleepless night.

Normal was _not_ getting into bed with someone else, all nerves and jittery limbs. Normal was not the warmth of another body next to his. Normal was _definitely_ not an arm that tugged him closer, pulling until his body was flush with hers, until his arm draped over her waist.

Normal was not whispered words in the dark, and holding someone until they fell asleep.

Normal was not the feeling of peace that took over as Jyn slept beside him, as he held her and knew that she was safe. That she was okay. That _they_ were okay.

Nightmares though, now those were normal (when he did sleep). But very few of them were as terrifying as waking up to the sound of Jyn screaming.

The room was dark and he was disoriented but he could feel her shaking, could hear her breath coming out in sobs as she cried out. Cassian scrambled over to her, hands hovering in the air, not knowing what to do or how to help her.

“Jyn…Jyn, wake up. Jyn please, wake up.” The words came out rushed, desperate, and he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, his touch very different from the panic overtaking him. “Jyn it’s me, it’s Cassian. You’re dreaming, you have to wake up.”

He shook her as gently as she could, and finally her eyes snapped open, dazed and glassy. For a split second he knew she wasn’t seeing him, or the room; she was seeing whatever it was that had scared her so much. Then she blinked and her gaze focused and she was back. She’d come back.

“Cassian…” Wet eyes shone up at him and he squeezed her shoulder, trying to ground her, center her.

“It’s me, I’m here. You’re okay, you’re safe.”

He didn’t know what she needed from him, whether she even wanted him to touch her, or if she wanted to be alone. Luckily, she answered the question for him. Her hand fisted into the fabric of his shirt and she pulled him down next to her again, except this time they were face to face. She buried her face into the crook of his neck, arms snaking around his back to pull at his shirt again.

“You’re okay…you’re okay. I'm here. I've got you.”

The words were the only sound between them, whispered over and over until her breathing slowly evened out.

He knew she wasn't asleep, and maybe wouldn't sleep again that night, but her shaking had stopped, and her breathing was steady and even against his chest. It was enough for his own panic to finally subside, and he tightened his grip on her, holding her as close as he possibly could, and let his eyes slip shut.

Neither of them fell back asleep, nor did they speak again until the sun was coming up, but they were both content to simply lie together, listening to each other's heartbeat.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a great holiday season.
> 
> So this is technically the last chapter, as we only have the epilogue left now. We're almost there, friends ;)
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this!

**Nine.**

She ended up staying with him for a week, and he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t one of the best weeks of his life. Bodhi told Cassian to take the time off, and he only offered a slight resistance before giving in. Truth be told, he wouldn’t be able to focus on work. Not when Jyn was back home, still healing.

She had another movie she was working on, the producers insisting she stay on with the project even with the media circus surrounding the photos. So they went back and forth with her lines, Cassian doing an awful job with the different accents, causing Jyn to lose her concentration every few pages, dissolving into laughter. They practiced in his room, her sitting against the headboard with her feet in his lap, swatting him away when he tickled her skin; in the backyard, tea (and coffee) mugs set up on the little table, on top of the script pages so they didn’t get blown away in the wind. One day they took a break and visited Chirrut and Baze, Cassian ignoring the knowing smile that Chirrut gave him when they walked in.

And at night he held her close. Rubbed her back and brushed his lips over her skin when she woke from another nightmare.

On the sixth day he woke to find the space beside him empty. Blinking sleepily, he raised his head to see her pacing, one hand holding a phone against her ear and the other gesturing wildly. Another one of his shirts hung off her shoulder, making him smile.

“Tell him the same thing you told the other guy, I’m not interested.” She was saying. “The next film is already set but after that…after that…” Whoever was on the other line said something then and Jyn paused, running her free hand through her hair. She looked nervous. “Yes. I think…I think it’s time.” The other person spoke again and the worry lines on Jyn’s face slowly faded, a look of relief taking their place. “Thank you, Leia. I mean it. Thank you.” Her pacing stopped with her back to him. She exchanged a few more words, and then hung up, setting the phone down on his dresser.

“Everything okay?” he asked, speaking quietly so as not to startle her.

She turned around, hair still mused from sleep, but her eyes were bright, more awake than they’d been for a few days.

“Yes…I think so.” She crossed over to the bed and sat down. He shuffled to give her more room, sitting up against the pillows. “That was Leia. A call came in this morning for another film. They asked if I could start after shooting this next one.” She was choosing her words carefully and looking at him with caution, as if worried about his reaction. “I told her to turn them down.”

He waited, not knowing if this was the news she was afraid of him reacting to.

“I…Leia and I had been talking, even before everything happened, about me taking a break.” Her hands were in her lap and she was fidgeting. He wanted to take her palms in his and smooth out the worry but he sensed he should keep distance. Let her get this out.

“I want to take a break from acting, once I’m done with the next film. It’s just…it’s time. And I didn’t…I didn’t know if you…if you wanted…” she stopped then, and seems to rethink her words. “I want to stay here, with you. If you’ll have me.” She said something else, something about helping with the shop, but Cassian didn’t hear her. He urged forward, pulling her to him and capturing her lips in his. His mouth molded to hers, pressing, insistent, urgent.

“Yes.” He said when he broke away to breathe, smiling dizzily. “Yes, of course.”

He barely had time to take in the sight of her replying grin (which was good because it was enough to knock him off balance) before she was climbing into his lap. His sound of surprise turned into a groan as she kissed him again, nipping at his bottom lip. He would never get enough of this, of losing himself in it, in the feeling of her. Skin met skin as his hands moved up her back, under her shirt. She seemed to take the hint and started undoing the buttons with shaking fingers.

“Wait, wait…” she froze at his words and he leaned back so they were eye level, breathing hard. “Is this…are you sure?” his head was spinning and it almost hurt to pull away but he needed to do this. Needed to know that this was what she wanted.

A beat passed where she stared at him, as if she wasn’t sure he was real. She put a hand against his face, finger tips brushing across his lips. “Yes. I’m sure.”

That was all he needed.

Fervently he kissed her, rolling them so that he was on top, pressing her into the bed. When her fingers started on the buttons again he pushed them away and replaced them with his own. Trembling hands moved the fabric off her shoulders, leaving her bare. A low moan sounded in his throat as he took her in, looking up at him.

Her lips were swollen and her irises were blown out and god, she was beautiful. She was so beautiful.

He didn’t know how this was going to go, how they would make it work. Clearly it wasn’t going to be easy.

But he knew that he was with her. All the way.

\---

 “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know.”

“I mean, you could just cancel. No one would blame you.”

“Maybe not, but—“

“Really, it would be completely understandable.”

“Cass—“

“I’m just saying, you—“

Her lips cut off his next words, and he smiled into her mouth. Okay, maybe he was being slightly overbearing. But this press conference was a big deal; it was the first one she’d be participating in since the photos came out. It was the first time she’d be in the spotlight, with all eyes on her.

And he couldn’t go up with her. All he could do was sit and watch.

“Cass, it’s going to be fine.” Her hands were on either side of his face, body flush with his. “We asked for the questions in advance, so no one’s going to ask something we don’t like. And it’ll be short.”

Though Cassian did not share her confidence, he trusted her. And this was something she had to do.

“Okay love birds, look alive. Jyn we’re starting in five.” Leia announced, eyeing them from across the room. Her smirk was very self-satisfied and Cassian had to hold back a laugh. She was the one who had insisted to the organizers that he be there, and have full access to the conference. Of course he had to promise not to interfere and to keep his mouth shut (her words not his), but he knew it’d be worth it.

“Yes, mom.” Jyn said in reply, eyes never leaving Cassian’s.

“I should get to my seat.” He said.

“Yeah. You should.”

They remained motionless until Leia sighed loudly. “For God’s sake would you two get over yourselves so I can get her ready?”

Jyn rolled her eyes and kissed him again, too quick for either of their liking, but Leia was right. They had to go.

“Good luck” he said, lips brushing against her forehead before pulling away. She winked, leaving him reeling, and turned back to Leia.

He found his seat easily enough, in one of the first few rows but off to the side. Press credentials hung from his neck and he had a notebook on his lap, just in case. It was Leia’s idea, on the off chance anyone looked at him too closely.

Most of the press had forgotten about Cassian Andor, but they had to play it safe.

For the next half hour, anyway.

The buzz in the room died down as Leia came onstage, eyeing everyone as if they were all beneath her. He wondered if she had gotten the look from Jyn or vice versa. Regardless, it was effective.

“Good afternoon everyone. Thank you for being here. As you know, Miss Erso will be making a few short statements, after which we will be answering pre-selected questions from the floor. Without further ado, Jyn Erso.”

Jyn came onstage then, dressed impeccably in long pants and a blouse. Her hair was pulled up and she had that smile on her lips, the one she’d had when he’d first met her. The one just polite enough to seem warm, but still keep everyone at a distance.

He hadn’t seen it since that first day in his shop.

“Once again, thank you all for being here.” Her words rang out through the large room, ones she had recited to him that morning as he made coffee. But while then her tone had been playful, here it was all business. “I called this conference today to announce a change that will be taking place, effective immediately.” Her eyes swept over the crowd, avoiding his, but he knew why. This wasn’t his moment.

It was hers.

“My next film will be my last, as I will be taking a break from acting.”

A brief moment of silence enveloped the room. And then it was chaos. Reporters stood, shouting questions, cameras flashed from all directions. And all the while Jyn stood still, composed. A few seconds later she continued talking, and the chatter quieted down somewhat.

“This was not an easy decision to make but it was the right one. My career over the last few years has given me a lot, but now it is time to take a step back and focus on myself.” She smiled again, the same polite one from before, but now there was an element of pride. “I will now answer your pre-selected questions.”

Leia shifted behind her, handing her a set of cards. Jyn set them on the podium in front of her and held up the first one.

“Will this affect your shooting schedule for _Do or Die_?” she read, before turning back to the crowd. “No, it will not. Most of the filming has already been completed on this, and I will still be promoting the film as outlined in my contract.”

More camera flashes as she picked up another card.

“Will you be returning to films or is this decision for good?”

She answered the question, and the six after that, with the same professionalism as the first one. Jyn was a natural at this, and when the odd person would get rowdy all she had to do was fix them with a cold stare and they immediately shut up.

He felt somewhat sorry for them.

Finally, she was holding the last card, her face seemed to shift slightly as she read it.

“How long do you plan on staying in London?”

Her eyes finally met his, and he saw a brief flash of that mischievous grin that he loved so much.

“Indefinitely.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....better late than never?

Epilogue: Moments

 

**winter song**

The two of them sat at the window seat in his shop, leaning against the glass. He was curled around Jyn, arms draped loosely around her waist, as she stared out at the mess of white outside. It had been snowing all day, and Notting Hill had transformed into a literal winter wonderland. They’d closed the place early but had remained inside to finish up the inventory. Once Jyn had caught him yawning for the _sixth_ time though, she’d insisted they take a break.

He could see her reflection in the window glass and couldn’t help but grin at her wide-eyed expression. Like a kid on Christmas morning. Jyn caught him smiling and nudged him (none too gently) in the ribs.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I know that look, Andor.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Erso.”

Jun huffed but shifted so that she was even closer, her back pressed firmly against his chest. He tightened his hold in response.

(It seemed like he was always pulling her closer. But he was passed being fearful of her leaving him. Now it was an impulse; a  _pull_ , to orient himself around her, to stay in her orbit.)

“I lived in L.A for so long I forgot what real winter was like.” With her face so close the glass fogged over when Jyn spoke, though her words were no more than a whisper. “I forgot what this  _felt_ like.”

There was a longing in her voice that he didn’t hear often—usually only when she mentioned her family or her past. Though Cassian knew only bits and pieces (and had been slowly putting the puzzle together), there were things that Jyn still didn’t talk about.

Which was fine. He’d be there when she was ready. But for now she looked so sad, just staring at the snow. He wished there was something he could  _do_.

Actually, maybe there was.

Cassian pulled away then, despite Jyn’s groan of protest, and grabbed their coats from the door. Jyn’s expression brightened in a matter of seconds.

God she was beautiful.

“Come on.” He said, holding out her jacket.

Jyn took it from him and pulled it on, waiting for him to finish putting on his own before taking his hand. She led them both out of the shop. It was late enough that the streets were deserted, no activity but for the snow that fell around them.

Jyn held out her free hand, grinning when the white flakes stuck to her skin. She didn’t seem at all bothered by the cold. The snow was less intense than it had been earlier, and Jyn watched it fall with the most serene expression. “It’s beautiful.” She said, eyes upward.

But Cassian was just watching her.

Jyn seemed to sense this and turned to look at him. “If you say something cheesy like ‘So are you’ you’re going to get a snowball in the face.”

He laughed at that, his breath showing in the cool night air. “My lines are better than that,  _mi amor_.”

“Just checking.” Jyn tugged him towards her and kissed him gently, lips cold on his. He felt her shiver against him. But when he tried to pull away, to ask if she wanted to go in, she just leaned her head against his. “Thank you.”

A shiver ran through his own body but it had nothing to do with the cold. “For what?”

Her bright eyes just narrowed, fixing him with a look that had him unable to move even if he’d wanted to. “You know what. Thank you.”

His hand came up and brushed the flakes out of her hair, lingering to stroke her cheek softly. “ _De nada_.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

**medium rare**

He could hear the smoke detector going off from outside the apartment. Cassian froze for a few seconds before his reflexes kicked in and then he rushed up the steps, swearing when he lost the grip on his keys.

Kay had moved out months ago (“It’s a manner of self-preservation” he’d said, eyeing the both of them from the front door. But minutes later he’d whispered “Do not screw this up” in Cassian’s ear, so he figured Jyn must have won him over, at least a little).

But if Kay wasn’t there it meant that it must be Jyn, and the alarm was going off and he could see smoke from the kitchen window and she would be home by now and what if something had happened to her and she was trapped inside and need help or what if she  _calm down_.

_Calm down._

He ( _finally_ ) got the key in the door and all but kicked it open, searching for the source of the smoke.

“Jyn!”

The alarm was even worse inside, but the smoke wasn’t as bad as he had feared; it all seemed to all be coming from the kitchen. But he needed to know, needed to know everything was okay, that she was—

“Cass?”

He whirled around at the sound of her voice, relief pooling in his gut, but what he saw had him freezing all over again.

Jyn stood in the kitchen doorway, hands covered in what looked like chocolate icing, flour smudged across her face, hair sticking up at all angles. The front of her shirt was singed and there were marks on her wrist that looked like burns.

For probably the first time in his life Cassian was utterly speechless.

“I—I can explain.” She said, a part of her shirt still smoking. “I wanted to, well I tried— _shite_ , hang on!” Jyn turned and pulled a chair over to the smoke alarm, standing on it and stabbing the button hard. The thing instantly quietened, though Cassian’s ears were still ringing.

She stepped down hesitantly, almost wringing her hands. “I was trying to bake a  cake…the recipe sounded so easy…I thought…I wanted…I just wanted to do something nice, for your birthday.”

Somehow during her speech he had managed to regain control of himself, but it was slipping. The relief that she was okay, doubled with her appearance, and just the whole situation was too much for him. He tried desperately to keep the emotions down but it was no use.

“Cassian Andor if you laugh at me right now—“

That was all she was able to say before Cassian started  _howling_. His knees buckled and he had to lean against the wall for support. Jyn was attempting to keep a straight face but was failing just as miserably as he had. She started giggling so hard it was almost a hiccup. For a while the only sound was the two of them laughing, as the smoke eventually thinned out. Jyn’s laughter quieted before his did, and she sighed once before putting her hands over her face. Cassian straightened up enough to walk toward her, pulling them away so he could see her eyes.

“ _Te quiero mucho_.” He said, still smiling, though the laughter had thankfully subsided.

“Cass I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, Jyn I’m just glad you’re okay. Almost had a heart attack when I saw the smoke.”

“Should’ve listened to Leia.”

“ _I_  should’ve listened to Leia. You’re now banned from cooking, understood?”

“Yes.”

“No touching the stove.”

“Okay.”

He kissed her forehand and her cheek before claiming her lips. She even  _tasted_  like smoke. His hands moved down her arms and he suddenly felt her flinch against him. His eyes snapped open as he remembered her burns.

“We need to take care of these.” He said, carefully taking one of her wrists in his hand. They didn’t look too bad but they still needed to be dressed. "I'll wrap them up for you, okay?" Jyn nodded grudgingly and he led them both to the bathroom.

“Think I’m beginning to understand what Shara goes through with Kes.”

“Oh please I’m not  _that_  bad.”

 

**quarter past midnight**

"We're getting too old for this." Cassian managed to grit out as he hoisted himself over the fence.

Jyn stood watching him, utterly failing to hide her amusement as he then struggled to climb down. "Thought I was supposed to be the drama queen."

"Sorry to have to tell you this but Kay claimed that title long before we ever met." He couldn't help but smile as he heard her snort.

When his feet were finally back on the ground she held out her hand for him and he wrapped his fingers around hers, squeezing once, before they both walked further into the park.

After they’d gotten back together it had become a habit, breaking in to the gardens. Though not something he was necessarily proud of, Cassian did love their quiet moments together. After busy days at the shop and evenings walking around London, it was something of a luxury to be able to be alone. Plus getting away with the act did result in a bit of a thrill.

Jyn was definitely a bad influence on him.

(Too bad he didn't care.)

The only sound was the soft noises of their shoes on the grass, and it was warm enough out that Jyn eventually took hers off, holding them in her free hand.

"Do you think anyone noticed that we snuck out?" she asked softly. They both still whispered when they came here, as if following some unwritten rule.

"Leia was snoring loudly upstairs, Bodhi passed out hours ago...Chirrut might have but he would never say anything."

“We’ll know by the look on his face tomorrow.”

Cassian smiled again and squeezed her hand in response. “Funnily enough, I don’t think he’ll be the first thing on my mind tomorrow.”

“Got something important planned?”

“You could say that.”

She tried to elbow him in the ribs but he saw the move coming and dodged it, grabbing her arm instead and pulling her into him (she dropped her shoes but didn't seem too concerned). Her answering laugh and smile had his head spinning, and he leaned in to rest his forehead against hers. She hummed against him, a happy sound.

“I can’t wait to marry you tomorrow.” He felt warm all over at Jyn’s words, and his arms tightened around her.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” The concept still amazed him; that they would get to do this, be like this, every day. She was going to be his _wife_. He was going to be her _husband_. And as much as he was looking forward to the ceremony tomorrow, it almost felt unnecessary.

He'd belonged to her for a while now. No signatures or officiates needed to confirm that.

How long they stood there, holding each other, was unclear, and they only (eventually) moved when they heard the sudden crack of thunder.

"It wasn't supposed to rain tonight." Jyn said, frowning slightly at the sky. Turns out the crack was a warning, as almost immediately after heavy rain started falling in heaps. Jyn screeched and grabbed her shoes, Cassian grabbed her hand, and they both began running back to the fence, laughing breathlessly. As Jyn was barefoot she slid a few times, almost taking Cassian down with her, but that just made them laugh harder. When they reached the fence Cassian went to hoist himself up but stopped when he felt a tug at his sweater.

He turned to find Jyn dangerously close, hair dripping wet and her own sweater soaked through. It might have reminded him of that night, when he thought he'd lost her forever only to have her turn up at his shop. When she'd been quiet and vulnerable and he'd been cautious and worried. And scared. But all it did was make grin.

"Thanks for sneaking out with me."

"Anytime."

  

**some assembly required**

“Bodhi you must have done something wrong.”

“I followed the instructions.”

“No you didn’t, otherwise it would be upright.”

“Kay, you  _saw_  me do this. I followed everything exactly.”

“You must have miscalculated.”

“They do the calculations  _for you_!”

“I should’ve double checked everything.”

“You’re welcome to do so now!”

“Yelling is not going to help the situation.”

“Neither is being an ass!”

“Here’s your coffee.”

Cassian took the mug from Jyn, tearing his eyes away from the fight to smile at his wife. “ _Gracias_.”

“Thought they’d have run out of steam by now.” She said, holding her own cup, though it was decaf (“What a poor excuse for a beverage.” “Jyn—“ “I’ll drink it, I’m just saying).

“Have you  _met_  Kay? Think the only time he powers down is to sleep.” They both stood in the doorway of the nursery, watching the two grown men continue to bicker. The crib that they had been attempting to assemble was standing (well,  _tilting_ ) in the center of the room, as if one breath would send it toppling over.

“Should we separate them?” He whispered to Jyn as the yelling got louder.

“And spoil all the fun?” she whispered back, barely able to contain her glee.

“Fine. But when they leave I’m double checking that crib.”

“You might want to burn it. We can get another one tomorrow”. She said, turning towards him. Her protruding stomach brushed against him and he smiled, his hand curling around her belly.

“No kicking today?” he asked.

“Not yet. But if the baby is anything like its mother in the morning, it’ll take a bit to get it going.”

Cassian just kissed her, keeping his hand in place on her stomach.

“Cassian would you stop kissing Jyn and come tell Bodhi that I’m right?”

 

**joy**

Cassian stirred in bed, blinking as he slowly woke up. It was still dark out, with only the faintest bit of light poking through the windows. The stillness and quiet in the room was the kind that could only be achieved so early in the morning. He found his eyes closing again, if only to appreciate the moment.

 _Quiet_ hadn't exactly been a common occurrence in their lives lately.

But then again, Cassian was far from complaining.

The mornings were also the only time that _quiet_ didn’t immediately cause _panic_. Panic that something was wrong, that the sudden lack of chaos meant a different kind of problem had occurred. Worry had been a part of his old life, but he had been shocked at how sudden and intensely it had come back into this one. First when Jyn had come into his life, and then years later, when she gave birth to their daughter.

Just the thought of their two-year-old had Cassian smiling against his pillow. Sleep suddenly wasn’t all that important, and he sat up so that he could turn to look at the bed.

Jyn lay closest, curled away from him, around Lyra. Their little girl was snoring softly, curly hair a mess against the sheets. The spaceship pajamas that Bodhi had gotten her last year were slightly too small for her now, but she’d insisted on keeping them. He and Jyn had decided very quickly that it wasn’t worth the fight.

Cassian shifted in the bed, moving slowly so as not to wake either of them, and settled against Jyn’s back, so that he was spooning her. His hand came up to gently curl around her waist.

Didn’t matter how many mornings he woke up to her or how many nights she fell asleep in his arms, he never got tired of this.

He reached out his free hand so that it rested on Jyn’s pillow, and allowed him to run his fingers through Lyra’s hair. Dark brown curls so much like his sister’s that he had had to leave the room when they’d first noticed them growing out.

(Jyn had come to find him a few minutes later and had held him tight while he cried. While he tried to understand the feelings of both joy and utter loss coursing through him.)

Tears sprang to his eyes again as he took in the sight of their little family, but this time the only thing he felt was happiness. The hand on Jyn’s waist moved to rest on her stomach, where she’d placed it a few days ago. When she’d told him they were having another baby.

(And yes, the panic and worry had come back tenfold, but all he’d been able to do in the moment was hug her, picking her up off the ground, and kissing her with everything he had).

When Jyn had been pregnant with Lyra it had almost felt like a dream. Like at any moment he would wake up and realize that none of it was real. That it was just another scenario playing out in his head, taunting him. But then Lyra was born and Cassian had held her for the first time and it finally hit him that this was his life now. He got to be Jyn's husband and Lyra's father and build this life for himself that he'd never thought would be possible.

And it would _not_ have been possible, without Jyn.

Cassian might scoff at the notion of fate or destiny, but he would often thank whoever or whomever was out there for sending a certain Hollywood starlet into his little rogue bookshop, on that day so many years ago.


End file.
